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She lets out a sigh that sounds like she’s trying to calm herself down. “You need to tell me right now: is it good?”
I look over my shoulder to make sure no one is nearby before admitting, “It’s the best. He’s an animal, Cora.”
This time her sigh sounds like relief. “Good for you. This is so fucking weird though.”
“You said you manifested this!”
“I did, but it’s still weird that my best friends are fucking—I’ll tell you everything when I get off the phone, Jay,” she says a little quieter before coming back at full volume. “How are you feeling about this set-up with him? Is it a romantic thing or a friends with bennies situation?”
“Well,” I drawl and contemplate telling the truth. Cora’s my girl though, and I’m sick of keeping the truth locked up. I need someone on my side that can keep her mouth shut. Granted, she will tell Jay and Marco, but I trust them too. Taking one more scan for Rafael, I continue. “It’s friends with bennies that’s only supposed to last until the babies are born, but…” I sigh as my gut drops and palms start to sweat. “I might be in too deep, Cora.”
“Has that tiny crush come back?” she asks graciously.
“Yes,” I admit. “And it may be a little more than a crush now.”
“Oh, Angie,” Cora says softly. “It’s been like this for a while, hasn’t it?”
I’ve always been upfront with her with everything except this. I’ve never wanted to admit my feelings for Raf aloud, never wanted to make them real. It’s not a healthy thing to do and as a counselor I know this better than anyone; but it’s been so easy to ignore until now. I’ve been able to date and have romantic attachments to other men in the past and maintain my friendship with him, allowing my unreasonable unrequited feelings to simmer. But now, simmering has turned into boiling and the steam is burning me.
“Yeah,” I tell her, “It’s been like this for a long time actually.”
“It’s about time you admitted it.”
“Thanks for pretending you didn’t know,” I chuckle.
“I knew you’d tell me eventually. What does this mean for you guys right now? Does he seem like he’s interested in commitment? I know that’s important to you.”
Cora’s not wrong—finding a committed partner, a husband, is crucial to me. I watched my dad struggle for decades after my mom passed away—a shell of the man he once was. I felt sad for him, not because he needed help with raising kids—I was blind to that then—but because of how lonely he was. His life could have been richly colorful like it had been when my mom was alive. To this day I still look up to my parents' marriage, even if it was through the lens of childhood.
I've been committed to everyone else in my life, so yes, I’m desperate for that same kind of unwavering, unconditional support in return. I need to know that someone is always going to be there for me no matter what, and I refuse to put that responsibility on my own children.
My desire for that kind of partnership has only been laminated by the countless romance books I’ve fused into my soul. Is it really too much to ask for a man to be obsessed with me? Someone who takes care of me and recognizes everyone I’ve been supporting?
Sure, Rafael has always been around for me, and I’ve never felt lonely in friendship, but could he turn a new leaf? I love picturing it, but there’s always a sharp stab of worry telling me, He’ll never change. He’s a flight risk.
“As far as I can tell, he still has the same attitude,” I tell Cora. “But oh my god, when we’re having sex, it’s so hard not to picture us—you know what I mean?”
“Yeah. He’s been treating you like a girlfriend forever, hun. I’ve never seen someone as comfortable together as you two are. You have such an intimate friendship, so it makes complete sense that your heart connects so fiercely.”
When I step into a new aisle, still lost in our conversation and my feelings, a booming voice yells, “Hey, sweetheart!” My head pops up to locate where the sound is coming from, when I spot Rafael at the end, holding a huge plastic package up in the air. “Are these the right adult diapers you need? Ultra-absorbent?” he bellows, and I roll my eyes, totally unfazed. He's chuckling, but I shake my head and leave the aisle.
It’s not the first time he’s tried to embarrass me. You can’t grow up with someone like him, like my brothers, and not be accustomed to this kind of juvenile behavior. It’s better to ignore him.
“Oh my god,” I whisper.
“Did someone just yell about Depends?”
“That was Raf,” I hiss.
Cora snickers on the other line. “You see, this is what I’m talking about. You two are way too comfortable with each other. Now tell me, are you going to talk to him about your feelings?”
“Wasn’t planning on it, no.”
“Ang.”
“No. There’s no point. This arrangement will end when the twins are born and we’ll go back to friendship as usual.”
“Uh-huh,” she deadpans, like she knows everything. Ugh.
