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The title of the first is simple. Love Yourself First. The second book’s title is Love Another Freely.
I raise my eyebrows at them. I have no idea how this relates to the strange feelings I’ve discovered recently. Nevertheless, I move them next to me.
Carmen watches me, the intelligence shining in her eyes. “Do you wonder why I give you these books?”
I bite my lip before answering. Finally I just say, “Yes.”
She smiles gently. “I have lived very long and have learned some important lessons. As that book says, you can only love someone as much as you love yourself.”
“That makes sense,” I say, and my mouth continues without the permission of my brain, “but it doesn’t explain these strange feelings.”
Carmen laughs. “No, no, it doesn’t. What strange feelings, if I may ask?”
My face heats. “Um. When Raúl is near, I want to kiss him. If I start thinking about it, I want more, but I’m not sure what is more. Sometimes, I want to reach out and touch his hair, or see what he looks like… “ I clear my throat, embarrassed, “… without a shirt on.”
Her eyes open wide. “Has your mother never talked about any of these with you before?”
I shake my head with a snort.
“What about your monthlies?”
“Punishment for being a woman.”
She frowns. “I see.” She glances around the room, then lifts out a pocket watch from a hidden pocket of her dress skirt. “Raúl. I need supplies.”
She rattles off a list, and within minutes, Raúl is at the door with a basket. Carmen answers it, then waves him away, telling him to keep everyone out until we are done. He looks into the library at me, not moving until I smile encouragingly at him. Only then does he leave.
Carmen sets the basket on the floor between us and begins pulling out an assortment of random objects. Fruits, bottles, small towels. A sly look enters her eyes and trepidation makes my heart pound. My eyes wide, I grasp a braid, rubbing my thumb along the ridges.
For the next two hours, I learn more than I ever wanted to know about human anatomy and functions. I am positive the entire time my face was bright red, and I was very, very glad Carmen told Raúl to keep everyone out. Mother might not have taught me much, but she did teach me that such things weren’t talked of. Ever. I would have felt even more embarrassed to learn these things with others around.
At least, now I know more. An astronomical amount more. I snap back to attention as Carmen tells me how to figure out what I like. I tilt my head as she comments, saying, “If we don’t know what our body likes, how will we tell our partner?”
At the end of her lesson, Carmen puts her hand on mine. “Listen, child. These feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. Remember that.”
I stare at her, a frown on my face. “But how do I remember that when shame is so immediate?”
“Practice. Simply practice until you believe it.”
I twirl a braid in my fingers. “Okay.”
She studies me. “I believe that is all.” She pauses for a second, her eyebrows drawn together, before her face relaxes. “Oh, don’t forget. The first time will hurt, but after that, it shouldn’t. If it does, you’ll need to see a healer.”
I nod, wrapping my head around all I’ve learned. “Thank you, Carmen. I really appreciate it.”
Carmen smiles and opens her pocket watch, the gold glinting in the low light. “Raúl, you may come back now.” She winks at me. “I’m off to run errands. Please find me if you have any more questions.”
I smile gratefully at her, and she stands to leave. “Thank you.”
“Of course.” She opens the door and leaves, but not before Raúl slips in, planting a quick kiss on his mother’s cheek before sitting next to me.
“How are you?” Raúl sits close to me, not quite touching. I scoot closer to him.
“Perfectly well, thank you. Staying here has been incredible.”
He winks at me. “You’re welcome to stay forever, if you like.”
I shake my head. “I can’t abandon Mother.”
