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“I have big news. Thought you’d want to hear it from me.”
Tom’s immediately interested. “What kind of news?”
Blake smirks. “Maybe I should wait. After all, class doesn’t start for another eight hours.”
Tom grins mischievously in my direction. “Did I ever show you the pictures of Blake drunk off his ass at last year’s Fourth of July festival?”
“Fine, asshole,” Blake mutters. “I got a call. The boys get to participate in the regional boxing tournament next month. The officials weren’t going to allow it because they aren’t affiliated with a specific school,” he explains to me.
Tom’s face lights up, and I smile. “That’s fantastic! They’ll be so excited.”
Tom looks at me. “They were crushed when we told them the committee said they couldn't compete. I didn’t tell them I was appealing the decision, so this will be a big surprise. We have a couple of kids I think will do really well. They’re great at reading their opponents, and they’re fast. You should come by and watch sometime. The boys love to show off.” He glances out of the corner of his eye. “Some boys never outgrow that.”
I snort. “Like you have.”
Tom grins. “I never claimed I had.”
“Good thing.”
I spend all day turning things over in my mind. Despite Tom's untimely revelation of his breakup, Blake’s a nice guy. He’s good-looking, owns his own business, and goes out of his way to compliment me. He’s a life coach, so he actually believes those bubbly sentiments on motivational posters. He’s exactly the kind of man single women long for, and apparently, he’s back on the market, although, to be fair, I never had any inkling he was seeing someone.
He’s a decent guy. So why am I so resistant to one measly dinner with him when I’ve willingly gone out with so many Whiners?
The problem isn’t Blake. It’s me.
“I don’t get it, Lila,” I say later, trying to make sense of things. “I’ve tried dating since what happened – well, not since we got back from Texas, but still, I've tried, and it’s been a colossal waste of time. I’ve felt absolutely nothing with anyone I’ve gone out with. Nothing positive, anyway,” I amend. She and I are alone at the front desk. Our last client has just left, Tom is at the youth center, and Mark’s in the whirlpool.
“Your heart hasn’t really been in it, and that’s okay. Right now, the goal is just to get you comfortable around men.”
I snort. “That’s gone well.”
Lila shrugs. “I picked simple ones to start you with. It’s like riding a horse. You don’t start a nervous rider on a feisty stallion – you start her on the old gray mare.”
I laugh. “You’ve been sending me on dates with old gray mares?”
Lila grins. “Absolutely. You needed to get your feet wet with some entry level guys. We could try someone more advanced.”
I hesitate. “Blake wants to be one of the Winners versus Whiners.”
She cocks her head to one side. “Really?”
I repeat our conversation and include Tom’s inadvertent outing of Blake’s recent breakup. I’m surprised when Lila shrugs. “So have dinner with him.”
I frown. “I don’t know. Blake had been acting like he’d been harboring this interest in me for months, and I fell for it until Tom asked him about the woman he’d been seeing. Besides, when things don’t work out with guys I never have to see again, it’s no big deal. But if things went sideways with Blake?” I shake my head. “He’s already seen one of my panic attacks. I couldn’t face him if it happened again.”
“It’s one dinner, in public. Trust me, he’d be on his best behavior.”
“I know. It’s just –” I break off, not sure what to say.
Lila gently covers my hand with her own. “You think you’re too damaged,” she says quietly, her words settling in my gut like lead.
She’s right.
My reluctance isn’t merely about Blake’s reputation as a womanizer. It’s about me, about opening up with someone I already know.
I was reticent and reserved before the attack. Now I keep people at a distance on purpose. I’m too messed up to let people outside of my inner circle see the real me.
“You’re afraid of intimacy, and your body and mind have absorbed that fear. I get it,” Lila continues, squeezing my hand. “If I hadn’t already loved Tucker and known him as well as I did, our relationship wouldn’t have survived. It was hard for both of us, not just me. I knew I could trust him, but it took a long time for us to work through things.” Lila hesitates. “We went to a sex therapist, a woman Linda recommended. I could give you her name.”
