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As we walk in uncomfortable silence, I’m desperate to break the ice. I search my mind for anything to say, but what do I say to the man I left standing at the altar? I say the first words that pop into my head.
“You look good.”
You look good?! Really Penny?
“Thanks?” He glances at me with arched brows. “Is that why you asked me here? To tell me I look good?”
“No, Andrew…” I sigh and rub my hands together. “I’m sorry, this is hard, and I’m just trying to have a conversation.”
He stops walking, crosses his arms, and gives me a hard look.
“What do you want, Penny?”
“Andrew, I–” I hold his gaze while my mind races and words fail me. I fall into our old routine of teasing if either one of us has difficulty talking. I pray it’s the icebreaker I need. “You do look good. And very tan. Obviously, the trip went well?”
For a moment, he stares blankly at me. Then he drops his arms to his side and suddenly bursts into laughter. For the first time, the ice in his eyes thaws a bit.
“Tan? You may be right. I didn’t do much except walk around and take advantage of the bright sun in Greece. It was beautiful.”
I join his laughter feeling the knot in my stomach ease a bit. “I’m sure you didn’t use sunscreen.”
“Correct.” He raises his arms. “I didn’t realize that I forgot it until I got there. But you know me, I hate using it anyway. I couldn’t help but think how me not wearing it would really bother you, and it felt good to annoy you, even if it was only in my head.”
We laugh again, and this time, Andy searches my face slowly. “You don’t look too bad yourself. How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I look away, feeling slightly embarrassed and maybe a bit ashamed. “Thank you for meeting with me.”
There’s silence between us as Andy waits for me to say what I want to say. I take a deep breath as I decide how to address the elephant in the room.
“Andrew, I am so sorry,” I look into his eyes, hoping that he can see my remorse. “I know there’s no amount of apologies that can make what happened better, but I’m going to try.”
“Don’t apologize for what you did, Penny. We both know you don’t regret it.” I feel my mouth drop open as I look up at his smirk. In his eyes, I see mostly sadness but no pain. “You don’t regret it, do you?”
“I regret how I did it,” I say honestly. “You didn’t deserve that.”
“This is very true. Thank you.” For the first time I see Andrew let down his guard. “How about you tell me why you did it? It might help me feel better knowing you didn’t just walk out on me for no reason.”
My heart beats like a drum, and my mouth feels like I swallowed cotton balls. Is this where I tell Andrew the truth, or should I pretend I don’t know what he’s talking about? My mind reels like a race car spinning its wheels. As I stare into Andrew’s eyes,I know I can’t lie, even though the truth may be hurtful to him. I just hope he understands and forgives me.
“Andrew…” I stop, take in a deep breath, and then blow it out as I struggle to push the words from my mouth. “I left when I realized I would never love you the way you deserved to be loved. I love you, but not in the way a wife should love her husband. And if I married you, the ghost of someone else would always be with us.”
Andrew looks over the field with his brow furrowed and nods slowly. Finally, he says, “You know, when I heard Liam was back home, I was kind of waiting for the worst…”
The color drains from my face. “What?”
“Don’t look so shocked, Penny. You’ve always been in love with him.”
“Andrew…”
He looks at me and meets my gaze. “When he was away, it was easy for me to be with you. I had always hoped that one day you would truly fall in love with me and leave Liam in the past. I thought maybe I could love you enough, and it would be okay. But when he came home…I knew that would never be the case.”
My heart feels like it’s trapped in a vice at his words. “Andrew…”
“You know, I can’t even blame you for running. Deep down, I knew how you felt. I was going to talk to you before the wedding to be sure you still wanted to marry me, but I couldn’t bring myself to hear you speak the words…” He snorts. “I probably should’ve talked to you rather than be a real-life Richard Gere in Runaway Bride.”
My heart clenches at the pain that I hear in his words, the pain I caused. “Andrew, I know that I said I’m sorry, but I truly am. I wish I had been braver; it was just so much pressure.”
“We were both cowards, Penny. Don’t take all the credit.” His wry humor relaxes me, bringing a reluctant smile to my face. “I saw you and Liam together when we were kids. I knew how much you loved each other. I am still, at times, hurt and angry by the situation. But when I think about it rationally, I realize that I should be grateful to you for saving me from a loveless marriage. You did me a favor.”
