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“Penny…” Liam tugs my hand and wipes a tear from my cheek. “You have no idea how your words make me feel. I felt so much guilt for leaving, even though I knew it was the right choice for me. I understood why you did what you did. It devastated me, but I never once blamed you.”
“Thank you,” I whisper. His hand is still on my cheek, and his eyes are searching mine. I wrap my arms around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder. I feel Liam freeze for a moment before he wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me close.
I made a mistake letting Liam go before, but I’ll be darned if I make the same mistake twice. We slowly pull apart, but I don’t leave the warmth of Liam’s arms. We’re so close that I can count the lashes that frame his eyes. My gaze falls to his lips, and when I look up I find he’s staring at mine.
My heart rate spikes. I can’t remember the feel of Liam’s mouth on mine anymore, but the heat spreading through my chest tells me I haven’t forgotten the feelings it invoked.
Liam’s arm snakes around my waist, and I see a smile curve his lips. Just as I start to lean in, there is a squeak in my ear. Liam and I both jump and turn to look at the offender—Tex, standing with a toy in our faces, determined to have one of us play with him.
We both laugh at him, and Liam takes the toy and throws it. I look at Liam with a wide grin, and I hug him one more time before getting up.
“I think Tex wants to play,” I whisper as I kiss him on the cheek. “I’ll be back.”
Chapter 21
Liam
Penny’s laugh floats across the vast expanse of the field toward me, tugging my lips up at the corners. I keep my eyes on her as she runs through the field with Tex in pursuit, the chew toy raised high in her arms.
My biggest fear was that something would happen to you, just like my father. I couldn’t get past the fear that engulfed me. But it felt like you died anyway when I let you walk away…
Penny’s apology replays through my mind, and warmth spreads through my entire body. I have never blamed her for what happened between us, but hearing those words from her lips lifted a weight I didn’t know I was carrying.
A sense of peace flows through my body. For the first time in forever, I feel like anything is possible. And with Penny beside me, I can handle whatever challenge comes my way. An unrestrained smile crosses my face. My body feels weightless.
“Tex, fetch!” Penny throws the toy, and it arches in the air before landing in the shrubs. Tex races toward it, his tail wagging.
I find myself asking questions that I’ve wondered about. If Penny and I hadn’t broken up, what would our life look like? Would I have Tex or a child who calls me Daddy? My throat constricts, and tears prick the back of my eyes. I blink them back.
I missed Penny so much on those cold nights when I lay in my bunk, wishing I was home with her instead of being deployed into enemy territory. What would my life have looked like if Penny had been with me through all of that?
I would’ve had an anchor, something that kept me grounded.
For every life I lost, it somehow felt like I let Penny down. Anytime I ventured into danger and barely made it out alive, I felt like I had betrayed her. Our life together would’ve been harder for her than for me. I realize that, but selfishly, I can’t help but feel that with her, I would’ve been better equipped to handle what came to me. Instead, I felt alone, afraid, and heartbroken.
With time, I adapted to not having someone to rely on. It made me cold and standoffish, a shell of the Liam I once was. In spite of that, I don’t blame her for her choices. I was the one who made a decision about my life without having a conversation. Me, not her. But today, that was put behind us, and the future is open.
The one person who hardened my heart is also the one who has thawed it, and I’m ready to give it a second chance. Yet self-doubts plague me. I can’t shut the persistent voice in my head telling me I will never be good enough for her.
The worst part is, I believe it.
This depraved voice in my head is daring me to be happy while at the same time throwing a weight over my neck, dragging me into an abyss of doubts and misery. Yes, Penny and I were happy once, but that was a long time ago. We were kids. Way before I let her down. I can’t help but beat myself up about it, especially now.
My heart beats wildly in my chest as I digest for the umpteenth time that my decision was self-absorbed and egocentric. I had forgotten all about her father’s death and how it affected her. My only thoughts were about how the Army would be good for me at that point in my life.
“Tex!” Penny’s excited voice cuts through my reflection, and I open my eyes to see her rolling on the grass with Tex on top of her. Her laughter rings in the air, and my heart caves into itself, forcing me back into reality. I love this woman. I love Penny with all my heart, body, and soul.
What if I hurt her again?
How can she feel guilt and remorse when it was my cross to bear? I’ve let her down in so many ways. The tempo of my heartbeat increases until I start to struggle to breathe, unable to keep up with my racing heart. Beyond my line of vision, Tex and Penny play, and I’m grateful they’re too distracted to see me break down because I’m too much of a coward to face my inadequacies.
I lay back on the mat as heat consumes me from within, and I break into sweat, causing my clothes to stick to my skin. I try to refocus my mind on something other than the thoughts of not being good enough for Penny. But it’s not working. My heart gallops in my chest, and my body starts to rack with violent shudders.
Suddenly, the chills stop when a weighted blanket is pulled over me. I sigh in contentment and frown when the blanket moves and begins to lick my face, helping me move my focus from Penny to the sensation of the wet tongue on my face. Tex! I often forget he’s a service dog because of his playfulness, but he reminds me just when I need him. He never missed any of my panic attacks, and even though he was hundreds of feet away, he was still in tune with my feelings and was able to help.
Seconds pass, and soon, the pressure of Tex’s weight on me lightens until he eventually slides off, letting me know that the worst has passed. My eyes slowly drift open, only to connect with Penny’s worried pair. As we stare into each other’s gaze, I find the strength to push the deprived voice into a box and lock it.
Penny has always been and will forever be mine. She proved it by leaving a man at the altar for me, and now it’s my turn to step up. I’m working with a therapist, and I remember what he said to me in our first, and only session so far, You can’t fully embrace the future until you’ve learned to let go of the past. When you learn to stop blaming yourself, you’ll be able to focus more on how far you’ve come.
