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“She probably begged them not to. Seriously. Don’t pin this all on them, Josh. It’s not fair.”
“Make excuses for them all you like, but they could have told me. I’d have been over there already, trying to help, stroppy little cow or not.”
I thought at least a tiny part of me would be smug, or relieved, or overjoyed that Connor was a prick enough to ditch the girl he ditched me for, but I’m not exactly singing Rocky right now. There are stronger forces rising up through the disdain.
Compassion.
Sympathy.
Empathy.
I’m feeling them all in one churning caboodle, and it’s a surprise to me. A weird turn of events I wasn’t expecting – which is becoming a narrative of late.
I am glad, to be fair. Anything to take my mind off Connor’s smash hit is a welcome distraction. I don’t want to give his success even a smidgen of my time.
PRICK.
“She’s probably embarrassed,” I say. “Embarrassed and hurt, and hating herself for being so fucking stupid, falling so hard for a jackass like him. I know, because I’ve been there. I know what it was like to believe I was the centre of Connor’s world, only for him to give me a see you later and drop me in the shit.”
I still remember it all too well.
I wanted to curl up in a ball and die when Connor first left me. I wanted him back, even though he’d been a complete cunt. I wanted a light at the end of the tunnel.
And I wanted my parents.
I needed my parents.
No wonder Carly has been hiding away at their place. At least hers are in Beaconsfield, not in Sydney.
Josh shoots me a glance. “You sure you want to do this? We can turn around and take you home.”
“I’ll be alright. I can wait in another room, or in the car if she can’t handle me being there, that’s fine.”
It was instinct, not logic, that had me dashing out with Josh once his mum finally picked up his call and admitted the truth to him. We were a couple in sync as we got ready to go, acting like a duo on autopilot, ready to face the trials together – dumb or not.
I tap my foot in the footwell, slightly nervous, but I know I’ll cope ok. I’m a lot stronger than I used to be. I need to keep telling myself that.
“You were being sick and sobbing over him yourself just a few hours ago, remember?” Josh reminds me.
“No, I was being sick and sobbing over the fact he was singing a song about me being a hooker for the whole world to hear. He can fuck off and go to hell for all I care. Especially now.”
I’d told him so as well. Right before I’d hung up the call and blocked him again. For good this time.
“Carly feels the same,” Josh says. “She hates him now. Mum said so. She thinks he’s a total fucking asshole.”
I’m not quite so convinced…
“He is a total fucking asshole, but that won’t stop it hurting. He’d have fed her lies and raised her up like a goddess, just to turn his back on her like a rotten turd.”
“You’re going to be ok with her, seriously?” Josh shoots me another glance. “She told Mum you’ll be laughing, and think she deserves it.”
“I sure won’t be laughing at her expense, believe me.”
I might be crazy, but despite the whole sorry mess of the past, Carly is still Josh’s sister and she got duped, just like me. Wooed by the twin flame bullshit while he was milking her for everything she had. Or he thought she had. Whatever, really.
He fucked her over, just like he did with me. He fed her bullshit and used her, just like he did with me. We’re closer to twin flames on that score than he’ll ever be with either of us.
I get another flash of empathy.
