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I stare at him as he eats his salad, realising yet again how deeply I’m falling. There’s a dangerous element that’s eating me up inside, because I know how much this will hurt if it goes wrong. Coming back home to him last night, fake pregnant while he fucked another guy’s cum into me was raw. Primal. The words and sensations of User 3092 were fresh in my mind, and I was still intoxicated by his fervour when Josh took his place.
And that’s when Josh had said it. I figured it was nothing but a piece of filth in a flash of hot jealousy in the aftermath.
It’s not going to be him that puts a baby in you, Ella. It’s going to be me. I’m gonna be the man who knocks you up, not some dirty biker who wants to use your pussy to give him a son.
It turned me on like a wild bitch. I was out of my mind as I wrapped my legs around his waist and begged him for deeper, deeper, deeper.
“You want kids too, then?” I ask.
“Yes. One day.”
“How many do you want?”
He shrugs. “Well, I’m one of five, so I’m used to a big family. Maybe I should try and outdo Mum and Dad and go for six.” He pauses. “No, seriously. I loved growing up with so many of us. The house was always so alive. We always had friends over, and a bustling home life. There was a load of happy noise along with the kid tantrums and arguing over which knife and fork was whose.”
Being an only child, my life was the opposite. I spent a lot of time on my own in imaginary lands, being the weirdo kid at school, and the centre of Mum and Dad’s quiet little universe. Beautiful, but hardly bustling.
“You want a lot of kids, then? For real?”
“Yeah, I think so,” he says. “Depends on what you think as well, obviously. Takes two to tango.”
I know my heart just whizzed around my chest and did a happy dance. And I know I’m blushing, which is stupid. How many times do I have to remind myself I’m not a teenager anymore, and this relationship is very different to the one I’d planned out when I was. This isn’t a one day when we’re rich and famous conversation. It’s about real life.
“Not sure I’ll want six,” I tell him. “Maybe I’ll get a feel for it at your parents’ place where I get to experience the hustle and bustle in the flesh. I might be converted and want seventeen after that.”
He rolls his eyes. “Well, I’m fucked, then. After meeting Caroline, you probably won’t want to join my genetic bloodline at all.”
I laugh. “I’m sure she won’t be that bad.”
“Nah, you’ll love her, I’m sure. She just takes a bit of getting used to.” His eyes sparkle. “We all do. We’re not exactly the most regular family around.”
He’s been telling me all about it. His family are open minded to the max, with a no secrets way of life – every card out on the table. They know exactly what Josh does for a living, and know that his sister is polyamorous with her wife. No big deal.
I’ve been trying to learn his family tree by heart, so that I’m fully prepared when I get there and take my place at the dinner table. Emma, Sasha, Scott, Josh, Caroline. His parents, Heather and Phil. Emma is married to Craig, and they have Polly-Anne, Josh’s niece. And Sasha is married to Georgia – sometimes adding another lover to their setup.
I think I’ve got it mapped out in my head.
I’m going to be so nervous when it comes to it, as though I’m in a gladiator arena, awaiting the thumbs up or down. I only hope I land the family approval. It will mean a lot to me.
My brain must be churning because Josh reaches across the table to take my hand.
“You don’t have to have six kids, Ells. I was joking.”
“What?”
“You’re doing the lip thing. Brain whirring.” He does the demonstration.
“No, no. It’s not about six kids,” I say. “It’s about the family meal. I just hope I get on with everyone. I’m out to impress, you know?”
He smirks, and rubs a thumb across my knuckles. “You don’t need to earn a five-star review, baby. And even if you did, I’m sure you’d get one. They are going to love you, all of them. Even Caroline. Plus, she’ll probably be harping on about her own fated love life anyway. She’d rather the spotlight was on her than us. She’s a cheeky cow. Remember that.”
“I’ll probably be grateful to her.”
He looks at me as though he’s staring into my soul. I’m not Holly here today, and the confident version of me is fading just a little bit into the background. I hate the sense of insecurity that’s coming back, and it’s because it matters to me so much. Josh matters to me so much. His family are going to mean so much.
“Baby,” Josh says, interrupting my thoughts. “They are going to love you, ok? Nearly as much as I do.”
“You think so?”
