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It's what I was raised to do, trained to be. The perfect soldier, the cold-blooded killer. The man who feels nothing, fears nothing, wants for nothing beyond the next mission, the next hit.
Except...I do want. I do feel. I fear the emptiness that yawns before me, the endless stretch of days without Luca's light to guide me through the shadows.
I fear the man I'll become without him, the monster that lurks beneath the surface, hungry and howling for blood. I fear the slow, inexorable slide back into the abyss, the cold embrace of a life without love, without hope.
But most of all...I fear for him. For the target he'll paint on his back, the danger he'll court simply by association with me. My world is a vicious, merciless place, a meat-grinder that chews up the innocent and spits out their bones.
And Luca...he's the most innocent of all. Pure and sweet and so fucking good it makes my teeth ache. He doesn't belong in the darkness, in the blood and brutality of the life I lead.
He belongs in the light. In the sun-drenched streets of his beloved city, in the warm embrace of his family and friends. He belongs to a world of laughter and love, of lazy mornings tangled in soft sheets and stolen kisses in the park.
He belongs to a life I can never give him, a future I can never be a part of. Because I'm tainted, broken, a creature of the shadows. And no matter how much I might wish it, no matter how desperately I might long for it...
I can never step into the light. Can never be the man he needs, the partner he deserves. I'm a killer, a monster, a soulless husk of a human being.
And monsters don't get happy endings. They don't get redemption, or forgiveness, or love.
They get bullets to the brain and shallow graves, their names forgotten before their bodies even cool. They get the cold comfort of knowing that their sins will die with them, that their poison won't infect the precious few untainted souls left in this rotting world.
That's my fate. My destiny, written in blood and carved in stone. And Luca...he's my weakness. My Achilles heel, the chink in my armor that will bring the whole house of cards tumbling down.
I have to let him go. Have to cut him loose, set him free before he's dragged down into the mire with me. It's the only way to keep him safe, to protect him from the fallout of my inevitable fall.
Even if it destroys me. Even if it leaves me hollow and aching, a walking wound that will never fully heal. Even if it means spending the rest of my miserable life alone, haunted by the memory of his touch, his smile, his fierce and fearless heart.
I take a shuddering breath, my hand clenching around the phone until the plastic creaks in protest. I can do this. I can be strong, be the man he needs me to be.
Even if it means being the villain of our story, the monster who breaks his heart and shatters his dreams. Even if it means letting him hate me, revile me, curse my name with every breath.
Because his hatred, his disgust...it's a small price to pay for his safety. For the chance to see him live, to watch him thrive and grow and find happiness with someone else.
Someone whole, someone worthy of his light. Someone who can give him all the things I never can, never will.
With a snarl of self-loathing, I hurl the phone across the room. It shatters against the wall, fragments of plastic and circuitry raining down like bitter confetti.
I welcome the pain, the sharp sting of shards embedding themselves in my skin. It's a small penance, a fleeting taste of the agony I deserve for the crime of daring to love him, to dream of a life beyond the blood and shadows.
I stalk to the window, my hands clenching into fists at my sides. The city sprawls before me, a glittering maze of concrete and steel, of neon and chrome. It's a jungle, a wilderness of predators and prey, of hunters and hunted.
And I'm the apex predator, the king of the concrete savannah. I've clawed my way to the top of the food chain, left a trail of broken bodies and shattered lives in my wake.
But for what? For power, for respect, for the cold comfort of knowing that I'm feared, that my name is whispered in the darkest corners of the underworld?
It all seems so hollow now, so meaningless in the face of what I've lost. In the face of the gaping wound in my chest where Luca used to be, the aching emptiness that threatens to swallow me whole.
I close my eyes, my forehead pressing against the cool glass. I can't do this. Can't go back to the way things were, to the cold and lonely existence I've carved out for myself.
I can't let him go. Can't watch him walk away, knowing that I'll never see his smile again, never hear his laugh, never feel the warm weight of his body in my arms.
I can't lose him. Not now, not like this. Not when I've just found him, just begun to hope that maybe, just maybe...
I might have a chance at something more. Something real, something worth fighting for. Something that could save me from myself, from the darkness that eats at my soul like a cancer.
I spin on my heel, my heart pounding in my chest. I have to find him. Have to make him understand, make him see that I was wrong, that I was a fool to push him away.
I have to tell him the truth, the whole messy, complicated truth of what he means to me. Of how he's changed me, transformed me, made me want to be a better man.
For him. For us. For the chance at a future I never thought I could have, never thought I deserved.
