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My breathing is shallow and my eyes stinging as I see the read notification pop up, followed by three bouncing dots.
Mateo
Coming
I exhale a shaky breath and get out of my car, pacing the sidewalk opposite of his house. A couple of minutes later, Mateo comes out the front door, eyes scanning until he sees me.
Dang it, why does he look so attractive this early in the morning? I’m sure I look as crazed as I feel, which is not helping my already bottomed-out confidence as Mateo jogs over to me looking like a magazine cover.
He takes one look at my face and asks, “Lana, what’s wrong?” He reaches out to try to catch my hand as I’m pacing past him, but I slip free. My entire body is shaking with a combination of fear, adrenaline, and cold (should have worn a second sweatshirt).
I finally turn to face Mateo. “Did you decide you don’t like me when I’m not rational?” I ask, trying to force more confidence in my voice than I feel.
Mateo furrows his eyebrows. “Lana, what are you talking about?”
My chest is tight and my throat feels like it’s closing up. I shift my weight back and forth on my feet and furiously play a Concerto with my right hand as I spill out all of my thoughts. “You knew I was really upset yesterday morning, but you didn’t do anything to check on me throughout the day. You’ve only really seen me when I’m happy and poised and determined. Did you decide you don’t like me when I’m not?” My voice cracks on my final question, and I cross my arms and pinch above my elbow to stop myself from crying.
Mateo looks stunned and doesn’t respond right away. I feel my chin quivering as I stare at his face, so I pinch my arm even harder. This is it. He’s trying to decide how to tell me he’s changed his mind.
Finally, he licks his lips and speaks gently yet firmly. “Lana. Of course I still like you. I’m sorry, my brain is not fully awake and I’m slow processing all you said, and I’m just confused because I don’t know how you could ever doubt that I like you.” He reaches out a hand to touch my arm, but I take a step backward, losing my pinching battle as a tear slides down my cheek.
“Then why did you ignore me yesterday?” I barely whisper, not trusting my voice.
Mateo runs a hand through his hair and rubs his neck. “I’m sorry, Lana, I wasn’t trying to ignore you. I promise. Please can you believe that?” I sniff but don’t say anything, staring at my feet with unfocused eyes.
“I swear I wasn’t intentionally ignoring that you were upset. When you didn’t respond to my last text, I figured that you agreed with my logic. And then the day was just busy—I had a massive test yesterday afternoon, and Coach thought we were screwing around too much during our morning practice so he added an evening one, and then I had a long conversation with Shawn about what he thinks about God, so it was so late by the time I went to bed that I didn’t want to wake you up.
“I say all that not as an excuse—I did know you were upset, and I should have made it a priority to check on you because I care about you. But I tell you that just so you know that I really was busy and not just intentionally ignoring you,” Mateo says. This time when he reaches a hand out, I let him touch my shoulder. He puts both hands on my shoulders and bends down to make me look him in the eyes. The tears are actively spilling out of mine now.
Mateo pulls me tightly into his arms, whispering in my ear, “I’m sorry, Lana. I’m sorry I made you feel uncertain about us.” My face is buried in his chest, my hands clenched together behind him. He just holds me there as I cry, not saying anything else but just waiting for me.
“I’m terrified that UC Davis won’t want me, and you were being all rational and I didn’t want to be rational, I just wanted to be upset, and then I was afraid that you wouldn’t want me when I wasn’t rational and I was scared that I scared you away.” I’m rambling into his chest, muffled but just loud enough for him to hear.
He squeezes me tighter and then pulls back. Oops, that mascara I was too depressed to remove last night is now smudged all over Mateo’s shirt. He wipes tears off my cheeks and tilts my chin up. “Look in my eyes, Lana.” I blink and meet his gaze. “I’d never stop liking you because you have emotions. I like that you feel things so intensely. I’m sorry that I tried to be logical instead of just listening. This is probably not the last time I’ll screw that up. Actually, I can guarantee you that it’s not, because I’m always going to want to fix everything for you.”
He cups my face with both hands and says softly, “You can’t scare me away, Lana. I’ve liked you for over two years, and I’m not stopping now. You need to believe that.”
I nod and lean into his hand, closing my eyes for a second. “I’m sorry—I know I got too in my head and overly worked up and totally blindsided you. I should have just called you yesterday instead of assuming the worst.”
Mateo rubs his hands down my arms and takes both of my hands with a smirk. “Well, I blindsided you first at Bookafe, so now we’re even.”
A small laugh escapes my lips, which feels like an accomplishment after where my mind has been for the past twenty-four hours. I nod my head toward Mateo’s chest and say, “Sorry about your shirt.”
He glances down and chuckles. “I’ll never wash this shirt again.”
I let go of his hands and start wiping under my eyes with my hoodie sleeves. “I can only imagine how frightening my raccoon eyes look right now if there’s that much mascara on your shirt.”
Mateo takes my hands and kisses my knuckles. “You’re always beautiful, Lana. Always.”
“Yo, Mateo,” Shawn’s voice pops our personal bubble. “Hate to interrupt, bro, but we gotta leave for practice in twenty.”
“Be right there,” Mateo calls over his shoulder. “Coach is still punishing us with more conditioning this morning. But I’ll call you later today, okay?”
I nod my head. Mateo tucks my hair behind my ear and looks at me with the sweetest smile. I’m crashing down the wave of emotional adrenaline I’ve been riding, so without thinking, I quickly lean up on my toes and kiss Mateo’s cheek. “Thanks for coming out. And for not leaving.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Mateo follows through on his promise, texting me no less than five times throughout the day. At some point during the afternoon, he also managed to slip another watercolor stationary card on my windshield in time for me to find before heading to ELL tutoring. It was short but sweet, reinforcing his feelings for me and that he wasn’t leaving. I tuck it into my desk drawer along with the other notes he’s given me.
