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I go to a kickboxing class at the rec with a couple of sorority sisters before lunch, followed by a long, burning-hot shower. By mid-afternoon, Amaya and Teegan are both back from class for the day.
“Slushies?” I ask pitifully when they walk in the room. They take one look at my wild, air-dried hair and splotchy face, and Teegan immediately grabs her car keys.
Amaya narrows her eyes. “Did Aaron do something?” I shake my head. “Bailey?” Another shake. Amaya’s eyes flash with angry concern. “Hold up, Mateo didn’t do something, did he??”
“No, no, it’s not Mateo,” I finally respond as my chin starts quivering. “It’s…it’s UC Davis.”
Teegan gasps. “They didn’t reject your application, did they?!”
“No, it’s still pending. But they accepted someone else!” I moan as I burst into tears.
Three large slushies in hand, Amaya and Teegan listen to me vent all of my panicked thoughts and fears about potential rejection. They wallow with me over sugar and distract me enough to calm my mind a bit. Teegan attempts to cheer me up by doing my hair and makeup before dinner. But as soon as I’m alone, my mind starts spiraling into anxious thoughts again. I probably should have taken them up on their offer to join in a game night several Arrow students were hosting, but I just didn’t feel like socializing.
Sitting in bed, I start scrolling through suggested reels on Instagram, trying to divert my mind. A DM notification pops up that Aaron sent me a message. My heart rate spikes, but I open it and see it’s a reel of a Golden Retriever playing in a giant pile of leaves.
Aaron
Reminded me of you
I watch the reel on loop four times, giggling at the adorableness. Hopefully this is Aaron’s peace offering of being friends and not something more. I type back a short reply.
Thanks. I needed a smile, and this totally worked
Anything you need to talk about?
I stare at my phone screen for a minute before responding.
No, I’ll be ok. Thanks for asking though
Hoping that Aaron lets it go, I close out of Instagram. Who I’d really like to talk about it with is Mateo. I pull up his name in my text messages, frowning. I’m a little surprised that he didn’t try to call again today, or come see me, or at least text me again to check in when he knew I was upset.
It seems uncharacteristic of him when he’s always so thoughtful.
My thumb hovers over the call button by his name. I could just call him and talk to him about my day. But he knows that I had a bad morning, that I was upset. Shouldn’t he be calling me to check in? Why isn’t he?
This is the first time I’ve been upset or in a bad mood around him. What if he thinks I’m overreacting and doesn’t like it? What if he doesn’t like me anymore? Is he holding out to see if I’ll respond to him more rationally? Is that why he hasn’t said anything to me today—he’s waiting to see if I snap out of it?
Brow furrowed, I set my phone to the side and burrow into my blankets, pulling a pillow over my head. I just want this day to be over.
After a restless night, I wake up with a stormy mind.
I like feeling confident. I don’t like feeling like I don’t know what to do, or how something is going to turn out. I’ve been so positive about my detailed plan for my future for years now. Everything I did throughout my entire college life was with an assurance that I was checking off each step of the plan.
Being with Mateo shone a spotlight on how unsure I always was about Aaron’s feelings and intentions. I didn’t even recognize how insecure Aaron was making me feel until Mateo came along. He made me feel so certain of his feelings for me and the relationship we were building.
But with zero new texts or calls from him since I didn’t reply to his response yesterday, that confident feeling is faltering.
And I don’t like it.
I don’t have class until 10:30, but I’m wide awake and pacing the empty room at 7:00. Teegan and Amaya have early classes today, so I’m left to my own devices and identifying with Taylor’s panicked thoughts in “Anti-Hero.”
Throwing on an AOPi sweatshirt and boots over my joggers, I grab my keys and head to my car before I can change my mind. I drive to the house Mateo shares with three other teammates. When I see his truck still there, I park across the street and pull out my phone.
Are you home? Your truck is here
Can you come outside please?
My hands shake as I stare at my phone, waiting for a reply. What if he doesn’t respond? What if he’s over me? What if I’ve put all of myself into this relationship and he doesn’t want it? What if I’ve put all of myself into my application for UC Davis and they don’t want me?
