AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Inez loves Stella. Independently of any feelings she may or may not still have for me. That realization fills my heart with warmth.
But a moment later, I’m back in my seat, agonizing over whether she’s already moved on from me. That thought makes my chest ache.
51
INEZ
Today was both mentally and physically exhausting. With each day that passes, I’m learning that the amount of behind-the-scenes work that the crew and cast members go through to create a show is unbelievable.
But, I still wouldn’t trade this experience for anything.Well, except for…Don’t think about him, Inez.
I can’t lie to myself. I want to go home.
Home isn’t a particular address on the map. Home is Nolan’s arms around my shoulders like a blanket and my face nuzzled into the curve of his neck. Home is Stella’s happy giggles across the dinner table.
I’m losing my mind. I can’t even keep a sane train of thought without daydreaming about the old couch that smells like Nolan’s mild laundry detergent and woodland deodorant.
But I make my best efforts to stay in the present moment. Every person who’s part of this television series is on site today. There’s so much rehearsing to do before the show even starts filming.
The day’s schedule is jam packed. Practicing the right dialect and accents. Choreographing fight scenes. Completing read-through after read-through with the cast. Sitting through endless director’s meetings.
They even have me performing ‘emotional recall’, which is a technique where I have to mentally put myself in painful memories again and again, so that I can get into the headspace of my character.
Well, every time I need to dig deep down for a reason to cry, I just think back to Nolan’s facial expression as I stepped on that train, and I burst into inconsolable tears.
It’s so draining.
By the time the long day has come to an end, I’m completely mentally out of whack. I stumble off set and I’m not even sure I could confirm which way is up at this point, let alone trying to distinguish left from right. All I want is a bubble bath and a bowl of ice cream.
I check my phone as I stumble over to the catering table, grabbing one final limp sandwich for the day. I have a bunch of new notifications on the screen.
But my heart sinks when I see that there’s still no message from Nolan. The last time I texted him, he claimed that he couldn’t talk because he was in the middle of a rush at the bar. I know he wasn’t lying but still, it hurts that he hasn’t picked up our conversation ever since.
So much for, “I will always love you”. So much for, “I’m rooting for you, no matter how much distance separates us.” So much for, “I will always be supporting you and loving you.”
Turns out his words were just a load of bullshit in the end. This is so disappointing. So heartbreaking.
Nolan is avoiding me. He’s done with me. That makes my soul hurt.
That’s why I didn’t bother to reach out to him when I snuck into Starlight Falls for Stella’s piano recital. He wants his space, he’s ready to move on and I don’t want to be pushy, even though I miss him so much.
It was a little bit crazy, taking my one free day this week to go back, just to see Stella perform. But I just had to be there for my girl. She did such a great job at her recital and I’m so proud of her.
I would have loved to see her up close, to give her a kiss and the biggest hug. But I wouldn’t have survived a face-to-face encounter with Nolan. I would have shattered into a million heartbroken little pieces. That’s why I stayed at the back of the auditorium and I slipped out the minute Stella’s performance was over.
Now, I’m back in New York, back in my new reality. I’m struggling to keep up a brave face.
A few of my castmates catch up to me after we’re dismissed for the night.
“Hey! We’re going out for drinks. You coming?” the actress who plays my younger sister in the show asks.
“Oh, I, um…” I fumble for an excuse.
“Of course she’s coming. Everybody’s coming,” another girl says as the group of them crowd around me.
I shuffle on my feet, giving an apologetic smile. “Thank you for the invite. Really. But I’m not up for it tonight. Maybe tomorrow?” I take a tiny bite of my stale sandwich.
There’s some boo-ing and disappointment at my response.
