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She nods, pressing her eyes shut against her tears. I shut my eyes too because the pain on her face is excruciating.
I wish this didn’t hurt so much. It shouldn’t hurt this much. I always knew I wouldn’t be able to keep her. I should have been prepared for this moment. But I’m not. I’m really, really not.
She takes a shaky breath and then she speaks. “Please don’t go back to Lilian. Please. I know you want Stella to have a mother, and maybe…maybe you’ll have moments of feeling lonely but—”
My eyes snap open with urgency when she says that. “Inez. What the hell are you—?”
“No. I may be a horrible, selfish bitch for saying this. But I need to say it anyway. Don’t go back to Lilian. She doesn’t deserve you. She’ll only hurt you and Stella again.”
“You don’t have to worry about Lilian. Now that I know what it’s like to be loved by you—what it’s like to be loved for real—I could never go back to her.”
I will not let my ex-wife lure me with sex and empty promises like she usually does. It may have worked the last time she was in town. And the time before that. But things are different now. I’m different. I know what I want, and I’m not going to settle for a flighty, uncommitted woman who only thinks about herself. That’s simply all there is to Lilian. I’m not sure why it took me so long to see it.
Lilian cares about Lilian. Case closed.
“You’re better off on your own.” Inez swallows thickly. “Or…or maybe you’ll find somebody else and—”
“There is nobody else in this world for me but you. And if we can’t be together, I’ll just go back to the way I was doing things before—on my own. But I’ll never be the same. I’ll always love you.”
When Inez moved into my house, I was barely holding myself together. Just like my car and like my fridge and like my coffee maker. I was a man all patched up with duct tape. But this woman just threw her arms around me and held me in a way I’d never been held before. Like she couldn’t even see the duct tape.
That’s a kind of love I will never forget.
“I’ll always love you, too.”
Her train slowly rolls into the station and I know our moment is almost up.
I whisper by her ear. “I know our time together was short but I’m so grateful I got to love you, Carolina.”
“You have no idea how much our time together has healed me, Theodore. I’m so grateful I got to love you.”
I wrap my arms around her, engulfing her completely. I kiss her forehead, the tip of her nose, her soft lips. We don’t stop kissing until the mechanical boarding announcement sounds over the station’s speakers.
I let go of her and watch as she walks away, dragging her luggage behind her. I watch as she hands over her ticket and boards the train. I watch as the doors slide shut and the locomotive whisks off down the track to its next destination.
Wincing in pain, I grab at the front of my T-shirt. Suddenly, I’m very much aware of the gaping hole inside my chest. My heart is gone.
Shit. Inez must have accidentally folded it up and packed it inside her luggage.
But now it’s too late to do anything about it.
48
INEZ
The train ride is a long one, giving me plenty of time to get my head back in the game. I do my best to compartmentalize, painstakingly tucking away my thoughts of Nolan and Stella as I focus on what I need to do tonight.
I just sacrificed the life I love more than anything, so failing at this audition is not an option.
I make it to the venue in New York about an hour before my evening time slot.
Stepping into the waiting room, I see a handful of other actors, some radiating confidence, others struggling with their nerves like me. There are a few people who seem to be members of the film crew, too. I try to ignore the impostor syndrome that tries to grip me.
I deserve to be here. I belong. I can do this. At least that’s what Nolan made me believe.
I have a tiny inclination to chitchat a bit, to see if anyone has the inside scoop or to maybe even network with others here in case this goes belly up. But after a smile and a few hellos, I decide to just keep to myself.I’m not in the right headspace to fake a jovial mood right now.
Instead, I use this time to visualize my upcoming performance. I’ve already rehearsed every line of this episode, so much so that the words feel natural. Now, I just shut my eyes and step into character.
