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Danny and Ashleigh’s twins, Austyn and Ashtyn, ADORE their aunt and talk about her constantly. Apparently, she’s the one who got them the art kit they were playing with. She gave them the princess dresses they insisted on wearing at dinner. And she’s the one who introduced them to the book series they are now obsessed with. The one they not only wanted read to them after dinner but wanted me to read. When I didn’t do the voices, I was quickly reprimanded on how Aunt Millie would do it. Basically, she’s the perfect aunt. Not that I’m surprised by any of this information.
Ashleigh Jacobson is a naturally curious person; she has been for as long as I have known her but add in pregnancy to an already stubborn nature and wow. Ash wouldn’t let up with the questions! “Are you seeing anyone?” “Why aren’t you seeing anyone?” “Would you ever consider dating someone you’ve known for a long time?” Gee, I wonder who she could possibly be thinking of. She wasn’t even trying to be subtle.
I try my best to be in a good mood. I really do. All of these reminders of Millie are just too much. I wanted a relaxing dinner with my friends and their family, and what I got was an even bigger hole in my heart. Not only was it a reminder of what my siblings and I have never had, it’s also a reminder of what I will never have of my own. Relationships just don’t work out. Not for me, anyway. I’m just not made for relationships. It’s in my DNA or something.
I end up leaving Danny and Ashleigh’s with more on my mind than when I got there. I want to text Millie or go over there and see her, but when I drive by her house (in a non-creepy stalker-ish way), I see my brother’s car in the driveway, and I just keep going. No need to stir that pot more than I already have. I’ve made my decision. I’m choosing my brother’s feelings over my own. Millie is his best friend. I won’t make her choose between me and him. I won’t let him loose her. I might not be able to have any deep relationships in my life, but that doesn’t have to ruin the best relationship he’s ever had. Even if they are only friends it still feels like some kind of triangle situation and no. Just no.
After a restless night of overthinking, all I’ve managed to do is wallow in the emptiness that is my life. I’m grasping at straws for reasons why Millie and I can’t be together. I spent half the night wracking my brain for any clues that there might possibly be something or ever have been something between Jon and Millie. They spend all their time together. They’ve never had any relationship that didn’t last longer than a few months. They have tons of common interests. They support each other 100% even when they don’t agree. They would do anything to make the other one happy, even if that meant sacrificing something they wanted. Pretty sure those are all reasons used in Hallmark movies that I may or may not watch with Todd.
Rationally I know that I’m being ridiculous. Millie and Jon may be best friends, but they are more like siblings. They encourage each other to go on dates and then talk about them extensively. I don’t know about you, but if I was harboring a crush on someone, I wouldn’t want to hear all the details of their dates with other people. In fact, I know I wouldn’t because even the idea of Millie dating someone else makes my stomach do all sorts of crazy things.
There must be a reason why I can’t have the only thing I’ve really wanted in a very long time. I spent the rest of the night thinking of all the reasons why being with Millie is a terrible idea and will never work out because nothing I ever want ever works out. Like I mentioned, I am wallowing.
When Millie’s text came in this morning, it took everything I had not to leave the office and go right to her, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t see any other way to answer. I never meant to hurt her, it hurts me too, but it’s better this way. Isn’t it? Isn’t this what’s best for everyone? I mean, sure, it sucks now, but she’ll get over it. She’ll move on. She’ll find someone who deserves her, and she’ll totally forget about me. And I’ll learn to live with this new level of emptiness.
The longer I sit with this decision the more I hate it. I’ve typed and erased so many messages to Millie that I’ve lost track. Even leaving work early and taking out all my frustrations out at the gym didn’t ease the empty pit. I want to take back what I said. But we can’t do that. The one thing that hasn’t changed is the image I have seared in my brain of the look of betrayal in my brother’s eyes. He and I might not have a great relationship, but he’s still my brother. And Millie’s best friend. If it had been Ben who walked in the door, I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing she did. A moment of panicked decision-making and here we are. Friends. Only, I don’t want to be just friends with Millie. If that’s all we can be, I’d rather avoid her for the rest of my life because I can’t be just friends. How do you put all of that in a text message? You can’t.
I try to distract myself and drown my thoughts by channel surfing, finally deciding on a 1986 playoff game. This is what my life has become, watching a basketball game from before I was born. I don’t even like basketball.
I turn the TV off, throwing the remote to the opposite side of the couch. I might as well unpack some boxes. I have nothing but time. It doesn’t take long to realize that the whole reason why they were still packed is because I don’t know where to put any of it. I also remember how I thought about asking Millie to help me. I close the box up and stack it back on the pile. That’s a problem for another day. Maybe I should eat something other than a bag of Skittles. I head to the kitchen. Nothing sounds good. A bowl of cereal it is. I’m about to pour another bowl when there is a knock at the door.
I suck in a breath when I see her.
Millie.
“Hi,” she says sheepishly.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Hi.” You’re a grown man with a vast vocabulary. Use some of it! “What are you doing here?” Maybe not the best choice.
“I made cookies!” She squeaks.
“Okay… ?”
Millie shoves a box into my hands. “I made six different kinds. I don’t know what you like so I brought some of all of them. You don’t have any allergies, do you? I don’t remember you having any allergies, but… ”
“No allergies.” I’m just staring at her. She’s here. At my house. With… cookies. “How did you know where I lived?” A look of panic flashes in her eyes. She’s about to dart. “Not that I mind! I just… no one has been to my place yet.”
She takes a shaky breath before speaking. “Rosie told me… well, sort of… she told me through… I mean, we messaged… and then… ummm, it’s a long story?”
Nervous Millie is adorable.
I smile. “Do you want to come in?”
“No!” She coughs. “I mean, no. I just came to bring you cookies.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome… Okay… bye!” She turns and starts walking away.
