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This was just a friendly deal. A social contract. Nothing to be anxious about. He’d say no, we’d both laugh at the silliness of it all, and get coffee after church tomorrow.
His eyes were the sky at new moon, soft and inky black.
His expression was so open, but with an urgency underneath. I could see the whole universe in him.
It was in the deep, small ways he cared for me.
The way he’d watch the same shows as me, even though I binged them and he nibbled them one at a time, so we’d have something else to talk about when our religious discussions got too heated. The way he was honest with me. He never held back for the sake of friendship.
That was the thing about clergy. He wouldn’t be doing his job if he had blasé feelings. It was his job to care. About everyone. To show them the full strength of God’s love. And that included me. At least, that was the way Gus saw it.
“Dec—”
“Would you want to marry me?”
My words hung in the air. Maybe the humidity of the rain kept them hovering, preventing them from drifting off, away from the porch roof and out into the night.
But there they hung, waiting for Gus to reach up with his giant fist and punch at them like a speedbag.
His body quickened. Something broke free from deep inside. Collapsing. Refilling. His shoulders lost their usual crucifix rigidity, and for the first time, maybe ever, I saw him slump. Even his eyes seemed to draw inward.
The vacuum before a bomb.
“I... Gus?”
He detonated.
His shoulders shook. His chest shuddered. A sound escaped. Big. As large as him. It filled the night air on the porch, drowning out the rain.
I stared at him with wide eyes, unable to comprehend what I was seeing. The stages of his reaction—whatever it was—seemed wrong.
Then I understood.
He was laughing.
At me.
I could do nothing but stand and watch. Mortification had melted my borrowed Hunter boots to the porch. My eyes were unable to tear themselves away. Like a car crash. Except I was someone who made it a point not to rubberneck. I saw enough atrocities on a regular basis I didn’t seek out morbid thrills.
I especially did not enjoy my own.
Suddenly cold, I wrapped my arms around my belly, tugging my elbows tighter. Excess water squeezed from the soggy material of my sweater.
I needed to leave.
Get in my truck, blast the heat, and drive until my sweater eventually dried. Probably not before my eyeballs shrunk in their sockets and my skin grew thin and papery.
He was right, though. Itwasfunny. I knew he wouldn’t think my offer was legitimate.
Who would? Well, except for weirdos like me who did crazy shit in the name of anthropological… sorority.
I tried to ignore the deep, booming laugh, but it was impossible. Instead, I started trying to extricate myself. I rocked my body back and forth, tentatively prying one foot off the porch, then the other.
I could still walk. I just had to think about it really hard.
I took one step, then another, making it to the top of the stairs before a large hand enveloped mine. Gus stopped me, not pulling me back, but coming out from under the shelter of the haint blue ceiling to face me.
Standing two steps below me, I could see straight into his eyes.
