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Jeremy invades my thoughts, and no matter how hard I try, he’s there, and I’m playing over our conflict. It’s the weekend, and I have no plans, so I consider going to an additional AA meeting to make sure I keep myself busy and strong.
It doesn’t stop me from daydreaming, though, wondering what he’s been doing for the last four years and trying to figure out why he’d think we’re meant to be together after all this time.
After ignoring his texts, Reece has been decidedly absent, which I’m starting to feel bad about. But then I rewind the words and digs he’s launched at me, and I question that, in my vulnerable state, I may have completely misjudged his character.
By Sunday, I’m climbing the walls, so I head out for a run. I’ve never classed myself as sporty before, but it’s a healthy thing to become obsessed with, although I wish it was as easy to become addicted to. I can still happily skip exercising, especially in bad weather.
I take my usual path, avoiding the busy part of town, and start to find my stride as I cover the paths that run adjacent to the park area.
“Anna!” I hear someone calling my name, but with my earbuds in, I don’t recognise the voice. “Anna!”
I stop, turn, and see Jeremy, coffee in hand again. I slow down and take a breather as Jeremy walks over to me. There’s no reason why I should be doing this, but I’m intrigued — and maybe feeling brave.
“A new look for you.” He looks me up and down.
“What, being healthy?”
“Ouch.”
“True. What about you?” I keep my feet moving as if I’m in flight mode, ready to run.
“What about me? You can ask me anything.” His voice pulls at the loose threads of my heart.
“Do you still use?” I blurt it out because it’s the question I want to know the answer to the most. Our last meeting, years ago, ended in disaster, all over drugs. My feelings for him and my addiction are more closely linked now than they ever were, like the double helix of my DNA.
“No.” His answer is clipped and harsh.
“Really?”
“I’ve never lied to you, Anna.”
“Then why don’t I believe you?” I study his face, looking for anything that might give him away, but I’m just confronted with the same eyes and lips that I used to long for.
It was so hard for me to get clean and sober and not want to reach for a drink or a pill at every opportunity. Even after rehab, I stumbled. Jere always seemed to deal with our episodes differently — he didn’t suffer like I did.
“That’s on you, not me.”
I shake my head and start to jog away from him, but he follows.
“No. Leave me, Jere. I mean it.” I plant my feet and race off, digging into the adrenalin to push me harder to get as far away from him as possible. My legs burn as I sprint along the path and dip down onto a cycle trail. It’s not the usual way I’d loop back home, but I don’t want to do anything that would mean our paths might cross again today.
As I run, my body fights the memories that start to surface. For so long, I’ve been focussing only on the bad and getting better that I’d forgotten about the good. Seeing Jeremy again makes that harder to do.
My legs ache, and my body shakes by the time I get home due to the pace I pushed myself to. I slam the door and lock it as if in fear someone will come through the door after me.
My T-shirt clings to my skin as I pull it off and throw it into the wash basket. The same with my leggings before I start the shower.
The water cleanses my skin, and I let it wash away the stress and mood from the encounter, although I can’t help but play it over in my mind again and again.
It’s like he’s snuck back in — an itch I can’t quite satisfy. The sense of unfinished business only grows, sending me dizzy with questions and thoughts. But not enough to push me to that edge.
I check in with Sammy and see if we can change our plans for later.
Anna
Film? Ice cream?
Sammy
