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Chapter Twenty-Two
The drinking didn’t numb the pain in my heart. It helped me to pass out, though. But it also set off the craving for something else, and the steps I’d made seemed to unravel and come apart all in the space of an afternoon.
When I come around, Mum still isn’t back, so I haul my arse from bed, hide the bottle, and go down into town.
I’d been coming to this place for years, but until now, I’d never even imagined how someone might score. It didn’t look like the place where people stood around on corners to offer passersby their next fix.
It doesn’t stop me from looking. I walk the narrow streets and go up to the playground area near the school to see if anyone there might know someone.
The place is crawling with holidaymakers and families, with no sign of anyone who might be in the trade of dealing illegal substances.
Nausea rises from the pit of my stomach. I’m polluting one of the purist places I have in my memory with all my bad thoughts and habits. This isn’t what I want, but I feel a wreck and just want to bury my pain, and this is the only way I know how.
An emptiness beats in my heart as I look around, lost and alone. I wind my way down to the beach, none of the normal joy and light penetrating the shroud of grey I see everything through. Finding a quiet spot on the beach, I collapse onto the sand. I lie back and screw my eyes shut, using the sounds to block out the dull ache resonating in my head.
“You’ve taken a while to show,” Jeremy’s voice rings in my ear, and for a moment, I don’t know if it’s my imagination or not.
The stuttering of my heart tells me it’s real, but I ignore him.
“Come on, Anna. I’ve been waiting hours.”
I wrestle the smile from forming on my lips. “And? What do you want me to do?”
“Talk to me.”
“What happened to your new girlfriend.”
“She’s not my girlfriend.” His voice turns hard, but that doesn’t mean he’s telling me the truth. “She’s just a girl.”
“Shut up, Jeremy. We’ve been over this. I should have just trusted my gut right from the start.” I sit up and look at him, cross that I feel weak because of him, and now he’s in front of me, that only intensifies. The emptiness consuming me just a moment ago now fills with nothing but him, pulling me back in.
My heart longs to hear that she was nothing — is nothing — to him. But can I believe him?
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I shake my head. “Nothing.”
“She’s just a girl. Her family has a place here, that’s all.”
“So, she’s one of you. Great. I need to go.” I stand, needing to escape.
“No. Wait. Come on, Anna. This is the most I’ve seen you in weeks. Please.” He grabs my hand and tugs it to him, placing it over his chest. “Please.”
“I can’t. You just… it’s not fair. You make me want things that aren’t good for me. We’re not good for each other.”
“You’re all I need, and I know you’re good for me. You’re just scared.”
“No.” I’ve got to stay firm.
“Then what? That’s it?” His eyes turn sad, and it guts me. I need to hold onto my anger, not be dragged down into feeling sorrow for him.
“You hurt me. And I still love you. It kills me that you have someone else here. I was doing so well, and then, boom. You destroy it. Again.”
“I didn’t blow us up, Anna. You did that. It’s only ever been you, and even now, you don’t get that. You find something to push me away.”
“It’s not hard when you’re at our place with another girl.” My fists clench, and the betrayal filters back, fuelling me and giving me ammunition against him.
“It’s my place,” he shouts back.
