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He looks up at me, and I see the bloodshot eyes from his tears.
“Hey, it’s okay.” I kneel next to him and wrap my arms around him.
“I’m a mess, Anna. A fucking mess. I hate it. He’s made me weak, even though I was the one to stop him. He’s ruined everything, and I can’t get it back.” The venom in his words is palpable, and it bleeds into more tears.
“Stop talking like that. We’re good. You’re good. You don’t need him.” But I wonder if cutting his dad out of his life has started this chain reaction, causing everything to change with Jere. “We do this together, right? That was the deal.”
He crushes his arms around me, pulling me down against his chest. “You’ll move in?” He mumbles against my throat.
“Yes, I’ll move in.”
His hands cup my head, his lips search for mine, and I’m desperate for him to find them. “I love you. I love you so damn much.” His voice is deep and scratchy, filled with an emotion so intense it’s a physical force between us, drawing me to him.
I don’t tell Mum right away. I want to. The part of me that still thinks of her as a best friend and my first thought to share everything with is still in me. But then I remember it’s been months since we were that close, and she thinks Jeremy is nothing but bad for me.
But my sorrow over that doesn’t matter because Jeremy is happy. He is who I share everything with, and we are happy and in love. And that’s all we need.
Each other.
I thought the start of our gap year together would be like our first summer together — an adventure we were both on — everything revolving around each other just like we wanted. Maybe we’d go to the Cove and spend time at the beach or out on the boat.
Only this time, it is different. It isn’t so new or shiny. Our time together is cast in the shadow of long days spent hungover or forgotten because of whatever we took the night before.
It wasn’t just parties now. We were both using and drinking just to take the edge off the day — to get through the day.
Despite Jeremy’s mum being out of rehab, the little pots of pills were always filled, and we both took advantage. It was a little to start with, but with nobody to keep us in check, like everything else, we got swept away.
There were no consequences. Nobody to balance us. We were on our own, and that’s all I wanted. But we drowned in each other.
Christmas came. Christmas went. I made some sort of effort to see Mum, but honestly, all I can remember is turning up on the day and being high. Or drunk. Or both. She looked sad, and then we left. We could have argued or shouted. I don’t remember those parts.
Dark. Everything seems dark. A gloom that never shifts fills the days. It clings to everything we do, closing in around us, and it becomes so difficult to see anything clearly.
It’s the haze of drugs that lingers. It touches and taints everything, but we are in too deep to realise just how bad things have got.
Jeremy doesn’t want me out of his sight, and when we do venture out to parties, I see everyone as a potential threat, picking fights with anyone who looks at me in the wrong way or pays too much attention to Jeremy. It’s like an obsession we both feel, taking over any sense of control we have.
We begin to fight — shout and scream at each other. I accuse him of something, and he tells me I’m being paranoid. And in the next breath, he’ll turn the tables and accuse me right back. It’s always intense and often leads to aggression that I didn’t realise I had in me. He never lays a hand on me, though, even when I push him to the brink, taunting or goading him. It’s exhausting, but we are so high it isn’t until we come down that we feel tired.
The highs became lower and never lasted long enough, making it harder to go without. The need I felt for Jeremy now co-existed with the need for something else — my next trip.
We hadn’t been out of the house for what felt like weeks. Stir crazy, I needed to get out, if only for a few minutes. It was like an itch at the back of my head, and I couldn’t reach it.
“Where are you going?” Jeremy snaps.
“Out. I don’t care where.”
“Who are you meeting?”
“Nobody. Come on. I need to see the real world.”
“Fine. But we’re going out tonight. Tony’s having a party.”
“Do we know Tony?” The name didn’t register.
“Does it matter?”
It didn’t. We had people turn up here who we’d never seen before. A friend of a friend looking to score.
