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“Hey, you. I wasn’t expecting…” She stops and looks at me. “What happened?”
I was fine until she asked, but that simple question turns on my emotional floodgates. Tears sting my eyes as I take a breath, trying to keep it in.
She just bundles me into a cuddle, just like she’s always done when I need it.
“What’s this all about?”
“It’s Marty,” I sniff.
“Is he okay? He’s not sick, is he?”
“He’s fine. But he wants to be with me, and my stupid dead heart doesn’t feel the same way.”
She lets my tears run dry and pulls a tissue for me, which I take with gratitude and blow my nose. “I brought ice cream,” I croak.
“Let me get that for us. We can go and sit in the other room.”
I walk through, flump down and wait for her to come back. Andy is in the corner chair, but she shoos him out. She hands me a spoon, and I smile at her as she pulls the cardboard lid off. We both dig in, and I let the sugary goodness patch up the sadness that’s overtaken me.
A few mouthfuls in, Mum asks, “I thought Marty was just a friend?”
“He is. That’s the problem. We don’t share the same feelings. It’s all got messy, and I hate that. I thought we were fine.” I shove the spoon into the ice cream and dig out a scoop.
“Sometimes, people’s feelings change.”
“I know that. I just didn’t want it to happen with us. He’s my best friend. How can I share things and talk the way we did, knowing he thinks of me in that way?”
“You’ll find a way if it’s important to you.”
I nod and suck my spoon. “It is.” I lick my teeth to clean them of the chocolate coating. “Mum, why can’t I just open myself up and be happy?” I complain.
“Well, I don’t think that’s one for me to answer. Although I think I know where it comes from.”
“If you say his name, I’m cutting you off. I can’t deal with it tonight.” Even though she hasn’t said the word, I still pull the tub of ice cream into my lap.
“I wasn’t going to. But you know it’s the truth.” She puts her hand out, and I scrape the last spoon of melty chocolate from the tub before handing it back.
I stay and watch telly before I finally concede and head home.
It’s been a shit Monday.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Marty is true to his word. I give him the space he asked for, hold my nerve, and then he’s back to his usual self as if last week never happened.
It’s a huge relief, and when he sends me a funny message, I nearly cry, realising that we will be okay.
He’s given me a lot to think about. So has Mum. Perhaps I have cut myself off, but that’s self-preservation. I’m not ready to risk the hurt and pain I’ve been through again. Plus, there hasn’t been anyone I can see myself taking that risk for.
I’m not lonely. Although, as I think that, I question if it’s true. I can count on one hand the friends who mean anything to me.
Summer is just around the corner, and the weather is holding. The lazy sunshine breaking through the clouds makes this a perfect time for a morning run. I head out on my usual route but add an extra loop, passing the park area. It’s still early, but plenty of people are out, the anticipation of a lovely weekend infecting the air.
My pace is good, and my steps are lighter as if the pressure from work and Marty has vanished. I even find myself miming the words to the music in my headphones.
I come up to the path around the play area before it opens back out along the cycle track, and as I round the bend, I see him standing at the swings. I scrunch up my face as I can’t put the vision of Jeremy together with what he’s doing. My eyes stay locked on him, and I watch, making sure it is him — pushing a little girl in the baby swing.
My pace slows, but not in time. Pain flares in my shin as I stumble right into a park bench. I jerk to a halt and tense as the stinging jab radiates down my leg.
