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“I know.” I gave her thighs a little squeeze and let go. But the words I’d wanted to say hung quietly in the back of my throat, trapped behind my own walls and insecurities, my own worries that this was far too good to be true. Coupled with the likelihood that she probably didn’t feel the same way, I wasn’t sure it was even worth it. The temptation was still there though as she walked down the hall I’d pointed her toward, disappearing from my grasp.
I want this to be real.
Chapter 24
Lottie
Seeing Dad somewhat awake and entirely still alive was enough to knock the stupid idea of my constant presence being some sort of protection for him out the window.
Of course, I was happy that I’d spent so much time with him, even if he was unconscious for most of it. But there was a part of me that felt guilty, like I had been shirking off my responsibilities—I could have been living my life while still being there for him.
Even if it did hurt to know that he’d woken up this morning without me there.
The earlier conversation with his doctor swirled around in my head as I turned my car into the parking lot at work. There’s nothing we can do, he’d said. It’s spreading too fast. We should focus on keeping him comfortable. Hospice was what they meant, though they’d been kind enough not to say it outright. I’d known it was coming, that he didn’t have long if nothing else could be done. It still felt like a horse kick in the teeth, though.
Work was the only thing I knew that would help to keep the situation off my mind constantly. I didn’t feel like I could drive back to Hunter’s—he’d done enough for me over the last few weeks, making sure my absence at work wasn’t an issue to being there for me when I needed someone most. I didn’t want to think about what that meant.
No one said a word when they saw me walk in. The pile of paperwork I needed to catch up on was my saving grace—I could hide away in my private office, no need to speak to anyone or get lost in a sea of thoughts that would drive me crazy. Just me, the wedding planner, checks, and my signature.
The wedding planner. I’d almost forgotten all about it. I’d agreed to a phone call to discuss decor and flowers. They were things I couldn’t bring myself to care about very much. I’d be perfectly fine with a courthouse wedding with just me, Hunter, and my father.
Watching me marry Hunter was my father’s dying wish. I needed to do better.
————
“How many people are we talking, Charlotte?”
I clicked the tip of my pen against the polished wood of my desk. Hunter was supposed to be handling this for me, and I assumed that somewhere he’d laid out some sort of guest list. “I have no idea. You’ll have to ask Hunter.”
“That’s not very helpful.”
“I have bigger problems than this, Erin,” I ground out. I’d barely been paying attention and my finger was itching to hit the end call button. “I don’t care how many people come. I don’t care about the flowers, pick whatever you want. You know what? Just plan your dream wedding and give it to me.”
“But what if you don’t like it?”
“It doesn’t matter if I like it. Hunter’s paying you to plan a wedding, so plan the goddamn wedding,” I snapped. A sharp pang of guilt pinged in my chest. It wasn’t normal for me to speak like that to anyone that wasn’t at the top of my shitlist, and especially not someone that was actively trying to help me. The stress of everything was hitting hard, and I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I felt numb, like I was piloting a flesh machine that wasn’t my own.
“I’m sorry, Erin. I’ll call Hunter.”
I hit the button.
————
I felt like an alien as I walked across the hard dirt toward Stable Four. I looked out at the field, the horses grazing in their fenced-off areas under the bright, late autumn sun. It was as if I was sitting in an armchair somewhere far back in my mind, watching as someone else controlled my body and mouth. I wasn’t me anymore. I hadn’t been me in weeks.
Except for maybe this morning.
I didn’t want to admit that being around Hunter made me feel better. It made me feel more present, more in control. And the lengths he’d gone to last night and this morning, making sure I had a solid breakfast to kick my hangover and not taking advantage of me when he absolutely could have…
Damn, how low had I dropped the bar?
I pushed the wooden stable door open. Dana and another woman I knew as Andrea were chatting idly as Dana held the hoof of one of the horses between her thighs, a long file in her hands as she scraped away at the freshly trimmed hoof. Her eyes widened when she noticed me, and she gently set the horse’s foot back down.
“Feeling like shit?” she laughed, crossing the hay-covered barn to give me a warm hug. “You were out of your mind last night.”
“Yeah, so I’ve heard.” I took a deep breath and tried to form the words I’d come to say. I needed to tell someone, anyone, and Dana was the perfect person, the one who would hold me and tell me it would be okay. I’d get through it.
“Dad’s going into hospice,” I said, my voice breaking.
