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My brother and I met for breakfast the following morning, and I hated the chink in my armor. It remained with me all yesterday, knowing that I’d upset Theo. It was clear with the tight shoulders and the way his smile fell off his face. Just, totally melted off as I’d stereotyped him and insulted him.
I hated him for hurting my brother, but I wasn’t cruel. I could be decent toward him without intentionally jabbing him. It didn’t help that Quentin moaned all yesterday about how his life was over, and he was in a low place, so it made me channel my anger onto Theo.
If Quentin didn’t have his scholarship, I’d be screwed financially. For him though, he needed a way to take out his energy and aggression. He’d always been that way, needing a release to deal with the stress of us losing our dad. Without a way to burn it off, he’d been a hot mess the last few months. Every time he’d be upset or worry about money, I’d get angry, and seeing Theo just made all the anger come back.
And I’d taken it out on Theo. That was beneath me. It was becoming more challenging to shove everything away, to brush it aside and be better and hold it together. I felt like… I was a bursting at the seams with emotions. There was no outlet for me. There was yoga and TV, school, studying, repeat.
“You figure out your placement yet?” Quentin asked, shoving a piece of toast in his mouth.
“No. We hear today at our afternoon lecture.” I sipped the coffee and shoved the eggs around on my plate. They didn’t taste good anymore. The texture annoyed me. Plus, my stomach soured the more I thought about my behavior. I didn’t let anyone in, but I was never mean.
“I hope it’s somewhere close so you don’t have to drive too far. You look exhausted, Aud. Are you sleeping okay?”
My eyes almost welled up. It had been so long since my brother was kind to me and asked how I was, so it almost undid me. “I am. This senior year is just a lot already. So many assignments, and I snapped at someone yesterday I shouldn’t have.”
“Audrey.” Quentin leaned forward onto the table, staring at me hard. “You never snap at people. What’s going on?”
My throat closed up. I didn’t want to worry him and tell him about Theo, especially if it’d piss him off. Two months ago, I mentioned the incident, and he shut down. I needed him focused on positives, healing and getting back to playing. So, I shrugged and waved a hand in the air. “I let my impatience get the best of me. It’s no big deal. How’s the team? How’s your rehab?”
And just like that, I deflected. Quentin cared about me, I knew that, but I could get him to stop worrying about me if I asked about him. He preferred to talk about himself the most.
“I’m getting all movement back and am feeling confident, but Coach won’t let me on the ice with the guys yet. If I keep on pattern, I can be out there in a few weeks.” He rolled his eyes. “It’s been interesting having Sanders with us.”
My stomach fell out of my butt at the mention of his name. “Yeah,” I said, my throat scratchy. “Is that going okay?”
“I mean, the guy is a dick. He’s no fun. He just works out, practices, doesn’t talk to anyone. He fucking ruined my NHL run last year. I still don’t get why Reiner allowed him to come, but he’s good on the ice. He could help us win, which I guess is more important. But I hate the guy. He’s an asshole.”
“He’s not mean to you right?” If he was, then I’d stop feeling bad about hurting him. He’d deserve my wrath if he hurt my brother, again.
“No.” Quentin scoffed. “He doesn’t say anything to anyone. The guy is a huge shit-talker on the ice, but I haven’t seen any of that yet. It’s weird.” He gripped his neck and sighed. “We haven’t started our real practices yet. Once I’m on the ice, it’ll be different. I know it. I’m bigger now, and he’ll get his ass handed to him.”
A beige flag went off in my mind. My brother was going to get revenge on Theo? That sounded out of character, and despite me being the sister, I blurred into the mom role from time to time. “Are you sure that’s what you want? Can’t you just get healed and focus on your stats to get drafted?”
“Yeah, sis, that’s the goal, but Sanders fucked me up. I wanna repay the favor.”
“Quentin Hawthorne.” I lowered my voice. “I don’t like hearing you say this. We’re on the same team here.”
“I’m not talking about injuring him, Auds, settle down. I meant, mess with him. Trip him. Not do him harm. I’m not like that. Come on, you know that.” He laughed it off, but I saw a dark look cross his face.
It was also interesting seeing how my brother had changed the last half a year. It was hard to admit, but I didn’t like all the new sides of him. Like the revenge-seeking part of him. That’s hypocritical since you were mean to Theo for the same reason. Quentin used brute force, and I used words.
“How about we forget all about Sanders and enjoy this brunch? Tell me about the party last weekend.”
Quentin went into a tale of foolishness, where him and his buddies dared each other to eat weird concoctions of food, but it had us both laughing, and we were back to normal. It wasn’t long before I made my way to class. I didn’t have a dream location for clinicals, but I did want somewhere close, so it wasn’t a long drive. There was a pediatric hospital, hospice care, ICU, and basic medical units within the area. There were a hundred of us in our senior cohort, and there used to be almost two hundred. People dropped out because it was such a challenge, and I felt pride walking into my fourth year.
I made it.
The hall smelled like pencils and metal, also with a familiar cologne I couldn’t place. It was beachy and piney and shit. Theo Sanders stood at the end of the row, smiling at me with mischief in his eyes. Almost like he knew something I didn’t.
My stomach swooped as he neared me, and the apology I wanted to say got lost as he flashed a full smile. He had great teeth. Objectively.
“Guess who’re buddies this semester, Hawthorne. You and me, girl. We’re paired up at the Jefferson ICU.”
The blood drained from my face, the prickly feeling of shock making its way from my neck to my arms and fingers. His words made sense. They were grammatically correct. But paired. Him and me. All semester.
I…assumed I’d be solo. Professor Aldridge knew I hoped for ICU because I wanted the challenge of the urgency and acuity. Plus, it was a specialized field and would be easier to find a job. It sounded weird to others, but I craved to be the best nurse possible for patients in tough situations. I wanted to be trained and ready as best I could, and that meant working in the place where things were always hectic and slightly unpredictable. I just didn’t realize I’d have a buddy.
“Wow, I take your absolute silence as you’re so happy you can’t even speak. I feel the same way. I’m overcome with emotion. Bursting.” He placed a hand on his heart, closed his eyes, and went, “Mm, so amazing.”
