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I consider my words carefully, still averting my eyes from his lower half. “If you’re going, I’m going.”
He looks surprised, but then crinkles his brow. “I don’t think that’s fair to her. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate having your friendship and support, but this isn’t really about us right now.”
I frown, not understanding. “Oh, well, I mean, if you want your space, I don’t have to go-“
Cutting me off, he explains, “That’s not what I’m saying. I do want you there, for multiple reasons.” I quirk an eyebrow curiously, so he indulges me by answering my unspoken question. “Well obviously I want you there for selfish reasons, but I also think that getting outside your comfort zone would be good for you. And I think you could really help her. Not only that,” he moves his gaze to lock on mine, “but I think you feel more for her than you want to admit, and I think it’s worth exploring, don’t you? You know… for research purposes?” He smirks, blatantly mocking me.
Once upon a time that would have been cause for me to tackle him, but I’m trying to do this friend thing I promised him. It’s everything I have in me not to ask him to elaborate on what his “selfish reasons” are. I don’t want to risk the leeway I’ve made, but honestly, I’m not sure I want to go down the “exploring my relationship with this woman” road, either.
“Do you like women?” I blurt it out before I can think better of it. I look down, a little surprised by my outburst, but also not taking it back. I glance back up at Micah.
He looks a little taken aback by the question, but not angry. I’m relieved, but still a bit embarrassed. I don’t know that we’re ready for such personal questions in our newfound friendship.
“I…. don’t know,” he answers honestly. “Until now it’s just been you, only you. I’ve never really considered anyone else like that.”
“And her?”
“Again, I don’t know. I think there’s something there, at least for me, which could maybe grow into something. But it’s… different. And I don’t know that it’s going to go that way.”
“But you’d like it to?” I’m honestly surprised he’s still entertaining my line of questioning, but he sticks with me.
“Possibly? I… I don’t really know how to explain it.”
I sit down on the chair across from the bed. I give him space to think about his words, hoping that he’ll just be honest. I am always going to keep my promise about being there for him as a friend, but part of me needs to know for sure that the other side of our relationship is dead for good. I need to hear it to truly move on.
He takes a deep breath, and I steel myself for the inevitable pain.
“When I look at her, I feel the same pull that I feel when I look at you. It’s maybe less… carnal, but I’ve only known her for a day, and she’s been laid up in a hospital bed covered in bruises and bandages so that’s not exactly where my thoughts have been.”
My head snaps up as I process his words. Did he mean that in the present tense? Does he mean to say that he still has the same feelings for me, but he’s not willing to act on them as he once did?
I don’t know where to begin to ask any more questions. I’m thoroughly befuddled, lost in a jumble of thoughts and feelings. And anxiety. So much anxiety. I thought hearing him say it out loud would help me, but I didn’t hear anything that I expected to hear, and I’m even more lost than I was before.
Not that my anxious moments aren’t obvious, but Micah has always been able to see through me, almost like he could count my pulse from across the room. He flinches forward like he wants to comfort me but stops himself and stays seated.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said all that. I know we’re doing this friend thing, and I’m all in for that, it’s just hard to redirect those thoughts. Especially being here…”
“I didn’t think you had those feelings anymore,” I say lightly.
He looks me directly in the eyes. “I couldn’t stop those if I tried.”
My heart is beating so hard that I can barely think, and I’m still so confused by what it is that this man wants. His face and his body language, this whole afternoon, have told me something completely different than what I thought he wanted in the car. I thought he only came back with me because I promised to be his friend – only his friend. Is he changing his mind?
“What is it that you want, with me specifically?” I ask him point-blank.
“Anything I can get,” he says boldly.
“And your parents?” I need to know if this is going to be another hidden relationship where he runs away at the end of the summer. I’ll probably still give him everything he wants, but I can’t do this not knowing what to expect.
Micah launches off the bed and drops to his knees in front of me, looking up at me with such earnestness in his amber eyes that it makes me ache.
“I told them, Lukas. I told them that I love you and then I walked out the door. I don’t care about what they think or their expectations anymore. There are only two people I care about now, and you are first on that list.”
There is something so overwhelming about hearing everything you want, everything that you have longed for deep in your bones. Every word you’ve prayed and ached to hear laid out at your feet, but with a caveat. It’s like reaching towards pure joy, but the closer you get the more it burns, so you can only stand so close.
“So, it’s me and her?”
“I know it’s not fair to ask for the room to figure it out. But I’m trying to be explicitly honest about how I’m feeling.”
