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He shrugs and passes me the box, grabbing one of the delectable little tarts and taking a bite. He practically moans, “Ohmygah, they’re still warm.”
A warm egg tart from my favorite bakery is literally impossible to resist, so I grab one out of the box and take my own bite. It’s rich and sweet and so good. I close my eyes and slowly savor each and every crumb of the little bite of deliciousness.
“I forgot how good these are.” Lukas’ mouth turns up in a bright smile, pleased he’s done something to make me happy.
“Thank you.” I hope he knows that I’m talking about more than the egg tarts. It was him that gave me the push, the strength, to walk out of my parent’s house and try to make my life into what I want it to be.
“My pleasure.” There’s so much fondness in his eyes it could break me.
Will he ever forgive me for the past two years? Even if he never comes around to wanting me like that again, I hope I can make up for the pain I know I’ve put him through. I know because I was in pain too, every minute of every day.
“So, where are we off to?” He breaks the silence and looks at me expectantly.
I look at my bag in the back seat and realize I have not given one thought to what I’m going to do next. Tomorrow I’ll be at Jackson’s family B&B, but for tonight I have no real plans of where I’m staying.
“You know, I hadn’t really thought about it,” I admit.
“Well, you’re welcome to stay with me tonight.” He quickly adds, “I’ve changed things up a bit, but I still have an extra room. You’re welcome to stay there tonight and however long you need to.”
“Uh, yeah, that’d be great. I appreciate it. I’ll only be in your way tonight and I’ll try to get my shit together by the time we leave the B&B, whenever that will be.”
“I don’t think you should get your shit together,” he says, confusing me. “You’ve spent every day of your life living for someone else’s expectations. Maybe you should take this summer to figure out what it is that you want, and then go from there.”
I know what I want, and he’s sitting right next to me, but okay. It probably is a fair assessment, so I agree quietly. We ride the rest of the way to his house in silence, with me covering my nerves by eating way too many egg tarts.
By the time we pull into his driveway, my stomach is so full that I’m glad I’m wearing basketball shorts. I pull my bag out of the back and follow Lukas to the front door.
This house was always a safe place for me. It was my only experience with a “normal” loving family that supported each other and rooted for each other. They were like a second pair of parents and treated me like part of the family. I miss them, and I know Lukas does too, every day.
The first thing I notice when I walk in is that he truly has changed the place. He’s removed some of his parent’s knickknacks, painted, and he’s moved the furniture around. Overall, there is a sense this house has become his rather than his parents. I like it.
Running my hand over the back of the small sectional, I am hit by a vivid memory of that first night, after we’d left the park and come back to his house. It’s almost as if I am reliving it…
My heart thundered as Lukas closed the front door. The ride here had been silent and awkward at first, but then we found ourselves holding hands, comfortable in our newfound closeness. But now we were in his house, alone, and the change of scenery had my nerves on edge again.
I sat on the couch while Lukas grabbed us drinks. When he joined me, he made sure to leave a full space between us. I took a sip of my water, the pulse in my throat causing me to choke a little on even my small sip.
Laughing slightly at my blunder, my face heated up in embarrassment. I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. I wanted to chase that feeling from back in the clearing, but I didn’t know how to verbalize it. I just sat there silently, my throat tight, watching the way his Adam’s apple bobbed with every swallow of his drink. I don’t know why I found that so sexy…
He must have noticed the heat in my eyes. The look on his face seemed to challenge me- asking me what I was going to do about it. It flustered me more.
“I… I don’t... um,” I stuttered, completely at a loss for words. His head tilted, the same way it would when he thought of something he wanted to figure out. A puzzle.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said softly.
“Mostly that I feel dumb and awkward and don’t know what to do next.” I answered honestly, with a self-depreciating smirk.
“What do you want to do next?” He asked me, his face neutral.
I didn’t know how to answer. This was new territory. For both of us. But he seemed so sure of himself. Usually, it was Lukas that felt out of place and unsure, but now the roles had been reversed and I was the awkward one.
“Do you want to talk about it, or avoid it? Want to play a game or something?”
I shook my head slowly.
“Do you want me to take you home?” He offered.
My head snapped up to meet his gaze. “No.” I said, quietly but emphatically.
