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“I did, and somehow, I remember them all, and I regret every one of them, Cat. I regret hurting my girl because who the fuck does that?”
“You weren’t yourself.”
“I should have stopped taking drugs. I should have stopped for you. But I came home from tour, and I knew he’d let you be abused. And I got in bed with you and held you for hours, ignoring the drugs he put on the table, but the thought of you being hurt like that by them—because I know I did shit, too. I drugged you and touched you, and I fucking shouldn’t have done any of it, but until that last night in the woods—” He pulled away a little, realization dawning on him. “It was all still wrong.”
He wasn’t wrong. The truth was, when it came to me, Remi was always a predator, too, just like all the others. He just smelled better, looked better, and tasted better, which made me feel differently and made me accept that he’d pushed around my boundaries.
“I didn’t cope well. And I took them to try and block it all out. And I kept taking them, taking anything. I just wanted everything to be better. But that was when I did something really awful to you.”
“And I said really awful things to you. I told you that you were worthless.”
“I fucking was.” He looked away, shame making his cheek hot against my wrist.
“No. You weren’t. And that isn’t how you should speak to an addict. Especially, when you were a victim, too. And don’t take this the wrong way, Remi, but you were so damaged back then, you didn’t even realize you were being manipulated into being exactly what they wanted. You were groomed.”
I turned my head to him, understanding staring back at me. “That first day they promised you the world and whatever else, that’s what that was. That’s what you were as the Decoy. You were no different to the girls at Rothbart’s, forced to hurt me and each other just to have an easier life.”
“I had a choice.” He swallowed.
“A desperate choice, which isn’t much of a choice at all. I can’t be angry with you for wanting better. I’m angry with them, and I hate them so much it burns me. What I went through with the girls at Rothbart’s shouldn’t have happened. What you went through as a little boy and even as a young man shouldn’t have happened. What Rhylie went through...”
“None of it should have happened.”
“No.” My hair frizzed against his clammy skin as I shook my head. “I guess we should be grateful we made it. Not everyone does.”
“She lives on through you.”
“I haven’t even been able to read her note yet because I miss her so much, but she’s another reason I can’t be mad at you. Yes, I wish you’d taken me to her—”
“She didn’t want you to see her like that,” he repeated things I’d already been told.
“I know she wouldn’t have. She always had issues with her appearance. I never understood it. She was the pretty one.”
“You underestimate your own beauty.”
“No. You’re the only one who sees what you do. The world thinks I’m a mess.”
“What are you talking about?”
Letting out a deep breath, I freed some of the pain. “Dec created a fan page for you and your shows.”
“Why did he do that? You know what, never mind. What have people been saying?”
“There’s been a lot about my body and face, and some even hoped that I died.”
His body turned rigid at my side. “I’ll take care of it. But I’m certainly glad you didn’t.”
“There’s been the odd day where I wonder if I’d be better off, and that’s not me. I always wanted to make the most of life. But I’d have Rhylie and my parents. And I could properly apologize to the baby I let down. Thank you for what you did there, too. I know you tried to find the baby.” The thin material of another nightdress left Remi’s skin as I pushed my hand between us and traced the scar.
“I’d do anything for you. Do anything for any part of you. I’d have brought the baby home. I don’t know what I’d have done after that, but we could have worked it out together.”
“Says the man who doesn’t want kids.”
“It was already here, automatically cared for because it was a part of you.”
“I think she was girl. It looked like a baby girl.”
“Remi’s arms tightened around me, and his fingers drew soothing patterns on my skin as we lay silently.
