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Joe’s Hail Mary pass is the equivalent of a toddler’s temper tantrum. Granted he doesn’t know about TJ, but I’d moved on with my life in another city. He hadn’t heard from me. His toddler radar told him I was happy without him.
Still, I hear him out. We order our drinks and take a seat at a quiet table in the corner of the café.
He speaks first as I take a sip of my latte. “You look great.”
“Thanks. So do you.”
“I can’t believe you moved here.”
“It’s not all that different. People here are just … louder.”
He smiles, and my heart pangs. Stupid heart. Don’t go doing that now.
Joe’s hand slides over the table and covers mine. “I’ve missed you.”
I concentrate on our hands touching instead of looking into his eyes. They’re the same eyes I used to gaze into for hours on end. The ones I’d seen forever in.
The numbness is subsiding, and old feelings start to seep through. Like a dull ache. Then comes the confusion.
Why do I still feel something for him? Would I always?
“Why?” I ask. “Because you’re not with Brianna anymore?”
“Brianna was … she was a mistake. I was so upset over our breakup and I wasn’t thinking straight.”
I laugh and retract my hand, keeping it safe on my lap. “You were the one who broke up with me. You left. What were you so upset over?”
“Look, I’ll just come right out and say it. I panicked, Carla. I saw that pregnancy test and I panicked. I wasn’t ready to have kids. We’d just started college. We had a plan and that wasn’t part of the plan. Not yet, anyway. But it doesn’t mean I never want to have kids with you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you.”
And now anger’s joining the party. “I got pregnant, Joe. We got pregnant. You abandoned me when I needed you most.”
“I know. I regret that more than anything.”
“And for what? Because it wasn’t part of the plan?”
For the first time, I realize how silly all my plans sounded.
“That’s why I’m here,” he says. “I need you to know how sorry I am for the way I reacted.”
“You can’t just tell me to get an abortion and expect everything to go back to normal. We were supposed to be a team, Joe. But the second we were faced with a problem, you went running for the hills. To another woman, might I add.”
“Carla, I want to make it up to you. I want you to trust me again. I—”
“No.” My voice cracks and I hate that the emotion is getting the best of me. “How can I trust you after what you did? I don’t know you anymore.”
“Yes, you do.” He scoots his chair around the corner of the table until he’s beside me, touching my cheek. “You know me better than anyone else.”
“I thought I did. But the person I thought you were would’ve never done this. He would’ve never ruined us.”
Thinking about the person I once knew Joe to be, I can’t help but think about the person I used to be. What would the old me have done if Joe had come for me sooner? Would I have gotten back together with him? Would I have given in to my heartache and forgiven his betrayal?
I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m not that person anymore.
Sitting here with Joe, I feel different. Everything feels different. Coming to New York, creating another life for myself, pushing myself outside my comfort zone … it all changed me.
TJ changed me.
That’s how I know I’m making the right decision when I say, “You ruined us, Joe. This isn’t something you can fix. I’ve learned how to live with that. I’ve moved on. You should too.”
