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“I just don’t know how to handle the paralyzing fear of losing you.”
“You know, I was very young when I lost my mom. I learned early on that people die, and there’s nothing you can do about it. It hurts like hell, and you never fully get over it. But that doesn’t mean you can turn off your heart and refrain from loving anyone ever again.” Her eyes lifted to meet mine. “Life is short. Each moment is fleeting. We’re all destined to die, one way or another. You need to decide if you can handle that certainty. Follow your head, and live in fear, or follow your heart, and live in love. What kind of person are you? Do you choose to play it safe, or can you choose to be brave?”
I nuzzled my face in between her neck and shoulder, breathing in the familiar scent of her hair. “I choose you. No matter what.”
“I’m so sorry about your father. I’m sorry you felt like you had to go through that alone. I wanted to be there for you. I always want to be here for you.” She touched her lips to the corner of my tear-stained eye, and then sprinkled soft kisses all over my face.
After a moment, Charlotte pulled away and straightened herself in the passenger seat. “I guess you can take me home now. I’m sorry I freaked out. It was probably nothing. The driver must’ve been looking for an address or something, and I just assumed he was following me.” She laughed her nervous laugh, trying to throw me off. “Now you can see why I bought a gun. I’m so paranoid.”
More lies. It nagged at my gut as I navigated back to Charlotte’s apartment. Something I couldn’t ignore. “You know how you said you want me to be able to lean on you?”
“Yes. I meant it.”
“Well, I want you to feel like you can lean on me, too.”
“I do feel that way, baby.”
I cleared my throat. “I want you to be able to tell me about your past. I want you to open up to me.”
“You know I can’t.”
“No. I don’t know anything. I know that you won’t tell me, but what I don’t understand is why? What’s the big deal if you tell me? It’s not like I’m going to tell anyone.”
She closed her eyes and squeezed the bridge of her nose. “I can’t do this, Tanner.”
The sound of irritation in her voice caused my anger to trickle out. I tried to breathe through it. “You’re keeping something from me. How can you tell me you love me if you can’t tell me the truth?”
“Oh, that’s great. So, you’re saying I don’t really love you if I don’t tell you?”
“I’ve let you into my heart. I’ve shown you all of my cards. You know the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have nothing to hide from you. I don’t get why you feel like you have to hide anything from me. I love you, no matter what.”
“It was just a fire. Dad and I wanted to start over somewhere new. Now we’re here. That’s it.”
The more she lied to my face, the angrier I grew. “I read the articles about your bakery in Florida. They were dated right before you showed up here in New York. Something happened in that bakery, and you know exactly what it was. Are you and your father in the Mob? Are you criminals on the run? Are you serial killers?”
“Tanner, please slow down. You’re going too fast.”
“Don’t change the subject. I want you to tell me the truth.”
“You told me you could accept me without knowing the truth! You told me you could do this!”
“I can’t do this if you don’t let me all the way in, Charlotte. I can’t be the only one who—”
“Tanner! Watch out!” Charlotte braced herself against the door.
I’d blown through a stop sign without even realizing it. I swerved onto the sidewalk so an oncoming car wouldn’t smash into Charlotte’s side of the car. The driver blared his horn at me as he skidded out of the way.
“Holy fuck. I am so sorry.” I flung my seat belt off and pulled Charlotte into my arms. “Are you okay?”
She pushed away from me. “Just take me home. I want to go home.”
I heaved a sigh, raking a hand through my hair in frustration. “Fine.”
Charlotte
Tanner didn’t call or text me that night. No voicemails to say he was sorry. Though I was disappointed, I knew what he knew: he didn’t have anything to be sorry about. He was completely justified in everything he’d said. It was foolish to think I could be in a serious relationship with someone while I was on the run from my former life. It was unfair to give him my heart with stipulations. Love is all or nothing, not secrets and lies.
Could I go back to a life without him after he’d woven himself so intricately into my life? Every part of my new life had Tanner in it. Maybe this is why people on the run stayed on the run. Maybe Dad and I should’ve kept moving instead of trying to create a new home here. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
