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I shrug my shoulders, a smile firmly planted on my face.
“Peaceful,” I finally say finding the best description for this feeling.
My son has always brought me joy; a type of sereneness that can’t be duplicated. My sobriety brings me happiness and a sense of pride. But Gabriel brings me a peace I didn’t know I was missing. His presence around me comforts me and makes me feel protected.
It’s been eight days since he came home that night and helped me take out my braids. When he walked into the living room, I could tell something was bothering him. Gabriel doesn’t show emotions like most people. There was no look on his face or hidden in his eyes that gave away his thoughts. It was simply the feeling I got when he walked in that let me know. It’s the way my heart nearly stopped beating or the hairs on my arms stood up that told me something was wrong.
I feared the worst that night. My soul told me he was leaving. It was something about the way he stood there silently that caused my stomach to drop. However, he didn’t leave. He stayed. I still won’t get my hopes up though. Even though there is no physical clock ticking down over my head, the one in my heart is telling me my time with him is running out.
“What’s going through your head right now?” Shay asks, regaining my attention. “Your entire mood just changed like the flip of a light switch.”
Pushing my brand-new goddess knotless braids behind my ear, I say, “Gabe’s father is back.”
Shay’s eyes widen. This is the first time I think I’ve ever said anything that shocked her. She usually has the I’ve seen and heard it all attitude.
She sits up straighter in her seat placing her arms on top of the table. “Oh. When did he come back?”
“Six weeks ago.”
She nods. “That explains your glow and giddiness.”
I roll my eyes and laugh.
“But what does that have to do with your sudden mood change?”
Sighing, I glance over at Gabe. He’s moved on to the climbing wall now.
“He isn’t staying.”
“Why not?” Her brows furrow.
“Because he cares about us.” My eyes begin to water. I blink a few times to fight the tears from falling but I lose the battle.
“You’re going to have to explain this one to me.” She goes into her purse and brings out a small pack of Kleenex. She pulls a few out and hand them to me.
I wipe my eyes, and then ball the tissue in my hands. “Gabriel has issues,” I try to explain without going into details.
“Drug issues?” she questions.
I shake my head vehemently. “No. Mental stuff. I guess that’s not hard to believe after knowing me.” I chuckle but Shay doesn’t join me. I take another deep breath before continuing.
“His childhood wasn’t good. His mother was a very cruel woman that constantly told her son that he was evil. After hearing something like that for so long you start to believe it.”
I sniff and then use the tissue to wipe my nose. “Gabriel truly believes that he’s too damaged and he doesn’t deserve to be loved. He fears that he will one day do something to hurt us. And because of that, no matter how much he may want to stay, he won’t. Because if his mother is right and he does something that causes pain to either me or Gabe, he won’t recover.”
The hardest part about knowing this, is understanding that it all stems from him caring about us. He would sacrifice himself for us. I have no doubt Gabriel would lay down his life for me and his son. Which is also how I know that he would rip out his own heart to keep us protected. The sad thing is, I can’t guarantee his concerns aren’t valid.
“So you’ll let him walk away?”
I look up at her, before cutting my eyes over to my son.
“What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay?”
“No, not beg, but you could ask,” she says it as if it’s simple. “Look, I’m not a therapist, but from one person with childhood trauma to another, you and I both know that sometimes the best way to fight the demons our parents put on us, is to face them.” She sits up straighter. “Do you believe that Gabriel would hurt you or your son? I want you to be honest.”
I think it over. I even think back to the night he came home and his mother was in his head. As scary as that moment was, I don’t think that he would’ve done it. I know that bitch fucked him up. I won’t pretend that he isn’t dangerous. I’ve seen what he can do and how easily he does it.
However, I know that Gabriel has control of his actions. And in the end, he would never allow himself to lose control.
