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The door opens. I spin around to see him step inside. The floor bottoms out on me. I’ve no idea how I remain standing. That sickness builds in the pit of my stomach.
‘You didn’t go to the play?’ My mouth is so dry I croak the words.
‘I had a message that you weren’t feeling well.’ He leans back against the door to close it.
‘You still should’ve gone.’
He stares at me. His expression is unreadable but I sense his reproach.
‘You’re never going to believe that I might prioritise you,’ he says grimly. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well?’
‘It’s a migraine. It came on suddenly,’ I mutter feebly.
‘Oh? Do you know what caused it?’
Not the coffee. Not even that stupid interaction with Chloe. She was merely the catalyst for my frustration and fear flaring. But I can’t entirely regret it because it forced this reckoning.
‘I can’t do this,’ I whisper helplessly. I can’t lie to him any more. Or to myself.
‘Do what?’ he asks silkily.
The shiver of danger emboldens me. It’s good that he’s angry, actually. It’ll make this easier. I’m wrong for him on so many levels and I don’t want him to be with me only because he’s afraid I’ll cut him out of Lukas’s life. I could never do that.
I know he’s used to that denial—of time, attention, love. So am I. We’re both damaged. We’ve both been denied. But he’s worked so hard to make this work for me. He wants to be in Lukas’s life and even though he has all the money, all that power, he, like me, fears loss of control. That his family, any emotional support or connection, could be taken away at any time. That he’ll be shut out. He’s as insecure as I am. So he’s done everything in his power to make life here perfect for me. He’s pleasured me over and over and over again. And I’m devastated. Because he felt he had to. Not because he loves me. Sure, he likes sleeping with me and we even have a laugh together but at heart he’s only doing what he feels he must to shore up his own defences and protect his son. I understand it completely. It’s what I’d have done too. The exact same thing. Pleasing. Working so hard to keep him happy. But things have changed for me. I want the fairy tale.
But he doesn’t. And if he ever did, it he ought to be with someone who’s his match. Someone who fits in this world. Someone who he feels strongly enough for to reconsider his position on commitment.
He stares at me as I stay silent. ‘You talked to Chloe. Did she say something that bothered you?’
I bite my lip. ‘I made a flippant comment.’ My stomach twists.
‘Is that what you call it?’
‘Maybe I was too honest with her.’
‘Honest?’ He steps towards me. ‘Is that what it was? When you told her in front of everyone that you’re merely Lukas’s mother and that there’s still time for one of them to make a move? When you publicly denied a relationship with me?’
I grip the back of a chair, even more horrified. Because put like that it sounds even worse than when it happened. I felt shamed and lost control—but it was in front of others, when he desperately needs privacy in his personal life. I’ve jeopardised that just by existing. I remember those people taking photos outside the bar tonight. Dain isn’t going to get his minions to hunt out those pictures and have them taken down. He was presenting me because I’m Lukas’s mother—even if our togetherness is only to be temporary—and I’ve completely undermined his effort.
I denied that we have a relationship. My heart thuds as I make myself nod in agreement. Because yes, it was honest. I need it to be true. I need to push him away. I need to protect him. And myself.
His gaze darkens. ‘Have you forgotten that moments before arriving at that bar we’d been—?’
‘Of course I haven’t forgotten. That happening in that car is part of the problem.’ I draw a breath, but I still feel giddy. ‘I can’t want you that desperately. You don’t want that.’
He stops still. ‘I don’t?’
‘You don’t want commitment. You know our intimacy was only an interlude.’
There’s another moment—a flood of silence.
‘An interlude that you’ve decided is now over,’ he says very softly.
I make myself nod again. ‘We were just going to let it run, remember?’
His body goes taut. ‘You’d have been happy for her to flirt with me in front of you?’
My headache pounds.
