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An unexpected turn of conversation later that afternoon made me realize I wasn’t the only one attempting to do some deep soul-searching.
“I’m sorry for not being around when you needed me most.” Jacqueline’s quiet admission stunned me into silence.
It had been a full week since my last pity party over the phone because of the woman who’d just blown my mind by apologizing to me for the first time ever.
I sat alone on my bed, hugging my pillow, speechless and bug-eyed at my cell on speaker on the mattress beside me.
“I was too focused on Casswell Global,” she continued when I didn’t respond. “Not that I can use that as an excuse for leaving my son behind on more occasions than I can count.”
Holy fucking shit.
My throat tightened.
“Preston? Are you there?”
“Yes,” I managed to whisper.
Jacqueline sighed heavily. “I…Preston, there’s so much piled up in my head and heart I’m working through now that I’m focusing on myself, things I’ve never shared with anyone.”
Didn’t that sound familiar?
“You don’t have to,” I murmured but could admit to myself the curiosity attempted to kill this cat.
“No—Devlin has been explaining to me for years that I need to, and I’m ready for you to hopefully understand.”
“Okay. I promise I’ll listen. I won’t judge,” I gave Jacqueline what Drake had offered me, meaning every word—desperate for them, even. Anything to bring peace between us.
“My own mother wasn’t there for me emotionally.” Jacqueline’s voice broke, prompting empathy enough my eyes stung. It took her a few seconds before continuing. “She loved her wine and pills more than her only daughter.”
I closed my eyes, feeling as though I’d been punched in the gut. Jacqueline hadn’t ever told me anything unsavory about her childhood before. Everything had always been rainbows and unicorns as far as I’d heard from her lying lips.
“It was no wonder my father spent more time in the office than at home,” she went on while I sat like I’d been struck by lightning, my brain too fried to respond. “While I’m not an addict like my mom was, I recently realized I’m no better than she’d been. I was just as wrapped up in my own little world like both of my parents when you were at a vulnerable age. I was selfish in my pain I refused to admit or share, and I deeply regret whatever trauma I may have caused you.”
I sat unmoving, unsure of what to say—what even to think as her words had blown my mind.
“Still with me, Preston?” A hint of fear came through her tone, and I longed to assure her but couldn’t get out more than a whispered affirmative.
“I’m thankful Devlin and Drake came into our lives,” she said with more hesitation than when revealing the sins of her mother. “That boy was there for you when I wasn’t. He’s been a faithful friend, hasn’t he?”
“Yes,” I managed to force the word out. How badly would she judge me if she knew the truth?
Jacqueline heaved a heavy exhale. “Have you been spending time with Drake since you both returned home?”
Again with the hesitation that made me question where she directed our conversation.
But I wasn’t touching the topic of my stepbrother with her no matter how much she seemed open to a discussion. Swallowing hard, I imagined girding my loins before speaking to risk the fragility of this place we’d arrived at in our relationship.
“What about Nancy?” I held my breath, wondering whether her stance on the LGBTQ community had shifted with her new attitude.
Jacqueline didn’t react by spouting off like I expected. She actually remained quiet for a few seconds, allowing me a sip of oxygen for my starved lungs. “I don’t really know what to say. She chose to be something she’s not in hoping it would give her peace, and I just can’t wrap my head around that.”
While she’d at least gotten Nancy’s pronouns right, that whole chose revealed her thoughts hadn’t changed a whole lot.
“I just…” Jacqueline released another loud exhale. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive her for the heartache she caused me all those years ago.”
“But you have Devlin now,” I said, gaining a little more gumption, even though I doubted I would ever be able to come out to her. “And you’re happier than I remember you ever being with…” I wasn’t sure what to say. My other mom? Nancy? Your ex? The last thing I wanted to do was trigger Jacqueline with the wrong word choice and ruin the progress we’d made with one phone call after an entire lifetime of zero connection.
Jacqueline didn’t respond or offer to fill in the blank I’d left. I could almost feel her reflection through the cell line connecting us.
