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“But not in a relationship way?”
“I’m still not ready for commitment, Rose. I just can’t. But I promise that I won’t ever disrespect you.”
“What does that mean? Does it mean that you won’t see other women? Or just that you won’t flaunt it in my face when you do?”
“I don’t know what I can offer you and I don’t know if I can just be with you.”
I untangled myself from Nathan and got off the lounge. “I’ll have to think about this, it’s not something I can decide on right now. I need to get my thoughts together first.”
I went and had a shower, then got into bed. I was way too tired to think about anything right now. It had been a very mentally exhausting evening. I fell asleep within seconds of my head hitting the pillow.
Chapter fifteen
Nathan and I woke the next morning and after a quick breakfast, got in a limousine and went to the airport to go home.
I was feeling a little disappointed to be going home, I’d really enjoyed myself and loved the relaxing feel of a holiday I clearly needed. I also knew that I had a big decision to make on whether I was going to go home or continue living with Nathan.
Part of me couldn’t wait to get back to my old life and my family and the other half of me wanted to be with Nathan. The past week in Hawaii had shown me what a wonderful man he could be. Our sex had shown a softer, tender side of Nathan and I didn’t regret a second of it, I was glad my first time had been with him.
But I wondered if I could live with Nathan on a purely sexual basis. Would I really be happy stopping myself having a real relationship by waiting around for Nathan? I just wasn’t sure if he could ever love anybody again because his heart was so badly broken.
Nathan and I found our first-class seats on the plane and again Nathan let me have the window seat, but this time it didn’t excite me like it had the first time. I missed Hawaii already and I missed what we’d had here. We were both quiet until the plane took off, lost deep in our own thoughts.
“You know, Rose,” Nathan said softly as the plane levelled out. “I was serious about you staying with me when we get back to Sydney. I really like having you around. You can still go back to your old life, just come home to me every night.”
“I really don’t know what I’m going to do, Nathan. I like you and lately we’ve had a lot of fun together. But I don’t know if that’s enough for me. I want to settle down with someone, get married and have children, that’s what I’ve always wanted from my life. I just don’t know if I’m willing to just give up the chance of finding someone who wants the same, to be with you and your commitment-free relationship. It’s a big ask and a huge sacrifice.”
Nathan nodded, his face expressionless. “Maybe you’re right. If that’s what you want out of life, then I’m not the man you should be with and I couldn’t ask you to give up everything you want just for me.”
I turned to look out the window and didn’t respond to Nathan. Maybe he was right, I couldn’t give up the chance at real happiness for someone that couldn’t love me.
I spent the rest of the flight watching movies or sleeping, while Nathan worked on his laptop or read on his iPad. There was very little conversation between us. I didn’t know what to say to him. My thoughts were a mess. I was feeling confused and angry with Nathan for putting me in this position. For not wanting me the way I wanted him.
After we arrived back in Sydney and had cleared customs, Nathan and I walked outside to find Sam waiting for us with the SUV. He helped us load our luggage into the back and then he walked around and got into the driver’s seat. Nathan helped me into the backseat and he closed the window between us and Sam so we could talk in private.
“So, are you going home, Rose, or coming to stay with me?” Nathan asked as the car pulled away from the curb. He voice was soft and I’m sure I saw a look of hope flash through his eyes. I knew he wanted me to say that I was going to come and live with him, but I felt that he was just asking too much of me.
