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10
Carrigan
My cell beeps again signaling another message, but I already know who it is without even having to glance at the screen. Tallulah has been calling and texting me constantly since I left her and Arlo’s engagement party last night. I sent her one message, letting her know that I was fine, but apart from that I’ve been ignoring her.
My sister sees me with rose tinted glasses and I can’t allow her distorted view of me to let myself forget who and what I really am.
For a second, I consider that the message could be from one of my parents, but I quickly dismiss the thought and the tiny pang of hope that comes with it. They won’t contact me, I’m of no use or importance to them now that I’ve deliberately sabotaged my inheritance. Without that money I’m barely even a blip on the radar of their life. Before the will, Tallulah and I were an afterthought, now I imagine they’ll do their best to forget about us all together.
Glancing around I take in the empty, impersonal hotel room. I’m alone, and for the first time in years I feel truly lost. My friends, my life, my entire identity, was all constructed around the stipulations of the will and without those strict guidelines, now that the expectation is gone, I don’t know what to do, and who to be.
My sister wants to help, she wants to support me, but I just can’t accept it. Tallulah, or I suppose I should probably start calling her Tally, is my twin, but honestly I find her inane goodness infuriating.
She’s a genuinely good person and I have no idea what to do with someone like that. My default setting is superior bitch and I’m not sure even she can change that, or if I actually want her to. I’m good at flirting with the guys I’m told to flirt with and ignoring the ones I’m told are beneath me. I’m good at following the rules. So what the hell am I supposed to do now that the rules don’t matter?
Tomorrow I have to go to school, I don’t know how fast news that I’m not longer an heiress will take to spread, but I’m sure it won’t be long. I have less than six months left at St Augustus but I know the others will smell the blood in the water the moment I walk through the doors, and I won’t have the shadow of the money to protect me.
As freshmen, Tally and I were invisible until that money made me a queen, now that it’s gone, I’m just like everyone else. I forced my sister to pretend to be me, to ignore her own identity and do my bidding and now everything’s coming full circle. My identity is so engrained in that money that I stand a better chance trying to pretend to be my twin, than I do figuring out who I am without the will hanging over my head.
Glancing around me, the beautiful hotel room feels bleak and oppressive, the walls slowly closing in on me as I sit in the same spot I’ve been in for hours, still wearing my gown from last night. The few tears I’ve shed have left ugly black streaks down my cheeks and I feel dirty and pathetic.
“You are pathetic,” I say aloud, sighing and rolling my eyes at myself.
Pushing myself off the sofa, I struggle to unzip the heavy dress, letting it fall to the floor and stepping over it as I make my way to the bathroom. Twisting the shiny taps, the water gushes out and into the deep tub, steam instantly rising as the hot water steadily fills. Stripping out of my bra and panties I climb in while the water’s still running, ignoring the fact that it’s too hot and that I can feel my skin burning.
Sitting down, I exhale raggedly as the water rises around me, gradually engulfing my body, the heat intense but strangely cathartic as my limbs slowly become numb and weightless.
Closing my eyes, I let my head fall back to rest against the side of the tub and concentrate on breathing. In and out, in and out. The steam fills my lungs making me feel like I’m eating the air instead of breathing. The water is almost completely covering me now, the heat so intense sweat is beading across my brow, but I don’t make any effort to cool it, I just lay there letting it wash away a thin layer of my sins.
As the water continues to rise, I let myself sink further, sliding beneath the surface as heat consumes my face. I open my eyes, staring up at the unfamiliar ceiling above me, distorted by the water as I lay still and unmoving.
All I can hear is the muffled sound of the taps running; of more and more water coming over me, suffocating me, imprisoning me. It’s peaceful. I’ve always loved the sensation of jumping into a pool, that moment when all you can hear is the sound of your own heart.
For a second I wonder what would happen if I just stayed down here, beneath the water where it’s warm and quiet. How long would my body allow me to deprive myself of oxygen? Would I eventually be forced to the surface or would I drown before my brain tried to save me?
Closing my eyes again I revel in the peacefulness of it down here. Allowing a bubble to plume from my mouth, my lungs start to protest, the lack of air noticeable as my chest starts to burn and my body instinctively tries to move me to the surface, fighting against my brain’s desire to stay here in the warmth, in the quiet.
Right now I just want to feel the peace, to bask in the silence where nothing matters but the beating of my own heart. I know I don’t have long left, that self-preservation will propel me to the surface, to the oxygen I need to survive, but for this moment I’m nothing, and it’s blissful.
I don’t want to die. I’m not too noble for suicide, I’m simply too cowardly to be able to actually go through with it, and really how cliché would it be for the silly little heiress to kill herself after she deliberately sabotaged her inheritance.
Bursting from the water I gasp, breathing in deep pulls of the balmy steam filled air and filling my lungs with life affirming oxygen. A wry scoff falls from my lips once my lungs have stopped burning and I’m no longer panting for breath. I’m a joke. I feel the weight of my thoughts settle over me as I rest my head against the tub.
I don’t even have enough conviction to despise myself, even though I should. The small voice in the back of my mind is still whispering that I did what I had to, that I stopped it before it went too far, that I helped when she needed it. But it was all too little too late.
Soaking for a while longer, my skin has wrinkled and the water has cooled by the time I climb out and wrap myself in a huge fluffy towel. Avoiding the mirror, I pad into the bedroom and sink down onto the bed, not bothering to dry myself, my limbs too lethargic to move.
Eventually I crawl under the covers still wrapped in the towel and let sleep take me, hoping that the shame and disgrace I feel will let me hide in my dreams.
* * *
The sun is peeking through the blinds when I open my eyes. It’s morning and I should be getting up and going to school, but I don’t move. I can’t face the other students, my sister, her fiancé, or their friends, especially not him.
Carson Windsor was nothing but a blip on my radar until two days ago. Everything changed the moment I asked him for his help and now he’s something to me. He’s someone who will forever be entwined with me and I don’t want that, but no matter how much I downplay it in my head, I lost my virginity to him and that’s not something you can force yourself to forget. I don’t want him to be important, to be anything more than my sister’s friend, but he is and there’s nothing I can do to change that now.
Closing my eyes, I decide to just pretend today doesn’t exist. I’ll be an adult tomorrow, but for today I want to be a child who gets to hide beneath the comforter, away from real life and the monsters that live there.
