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Islide out from Lucy, leaving her in bed, and put on a pair of track pants before heading into the kitchen to grab a beer. It’s late now, nearing midnight. The sun has just set, so I walk out onto the deck and head down to the firepit. After I get the fire started, I sit in a chair and drink my beer.
I’ve never felt more hopeless in my life. It makes me feel like when I watched my dad try to grab my mom up through the ice and the panicked look on his face when he came up with nothing.
Now, the woman I love is mourning her chance to bear a child—at least to bear one as easily as I think women imagine. I understand what she’s talking about with the fertility treatments. I’ve heard the stories from my coworker, Nick. It was costly and time-consuming and an emotional roller coaster for him and his wife. But I have to believe we can get through this. Still, I have no magic wand to turn this around or make it easier for us. And I fear, as she does, that we have a long battle ahead of us.
But it’s a relief to know the reason she left me. This I can deal with a lot easier than if she’d left me for another man.
I stare into the flames, wondering what our future will be like.
Lucy’s not wrong—I want a big family. Ever since my mom died and we spent those first years without her, I knew that when I got older, I wanted it again. Not that we weren’t still a family, but it was different. When Marla and my dad married, our lives morphed again. I love all my stepsiblings as much as I love my blood siblings, but I’ve always wanted that family like the one we had when my mom was alive.
Now I have to imagine my life with the possibility of not having kids. It’s not a life I’d choose, but life without Lucy is far more horrid to think about. I already know how devastating that life is and I’m not willing to go back to it.
A creak on the stairs grabs my attention and I look to find Lucy coming down the steps, wearing my slides and my ranger coat. That is what family looks like. That image right there is what I want my future to be.
She walks over to me and crawls into my lap, placing her head on my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
I run my hand down her hair and kiss her forehead. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I shouldn’t have tried to push you away.” She sits up in my lap. “We agreed to do this together.”
“Yeah, we did.”
She lays her head back down on my shoulder and we both stare at the fire, mesmerized by the intensity of the flames.
“Do you feel at peace now?” she whispers over the crackle of the flames. “Now that we know why I left?”
“A small part of me does, but I’m more worried about you now.” I kiss her forehead again, wishing I had some magic potion to make her feel better.
“What was your worst fear?”
“That you left me for someone else, he broke your heart, and you went to your parents knowing you couldn’t come back here. You?”
“Similar. That you had another girl and I found out and left. But deep down, I think I knew that wasn’t the case.”
“Hey, Luce.” I wait for her to turn her head and look at me. “We’re going to get through this.”
She nods. “I know. It’s just a really hard thing to hear.”
I’m not quite sure I believe that she thinks it will be okay, but for tonight, I won’t pressure her.
The next morning, Lucy’s face is red and slightly swollen from a night of crying, but she seems in slightly better spirits. At least she’s not trying to run out on me.
“Hey, you going to be okay here on your own?” I ask, dressed for work. “I can call in.”
“No.” She tilts her head up from the side of the couch and I bend down to kiss her. “I’ll be fine.”
“And you’ll be here when I get home?” It’s taking a lot of trust for me to go to work today and set aside the fear that I’ll return to an empty house.
“Promise.” She smiles and it almost reaches her eyes. Good sign.
“Okay, I’ll check in periodically.”
“You don’t have to, but I do enjoy hearing your voice.” She laughs and the sound is nice to hear.
I leave the house and shed my jacket in the car, driving over to my old childhood home. What Lucy doesn’t know is that I’m going to propose to her again tonight with her ring. I have no grand plan, which sucks, but hopefully something will come to me. I don’t want to involve my sisters, that’s for sure. But I want Lucy to know that even with everything on the table, I still choose her and she chooses me.
“Why are so many of them home?” I mumble, seeing everyone’s damn trucks in the driveway.
