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When she leftme a little more than six months ago, it gutted me. I wasn’t expecting it; I thought we were good. That our relationship was even better than most.
Then one day she disappeared for days without a word and I had no idea what was going on until I was served with divorce papers.
The only reason I hadn’t called the law and filed a missing persons report is because she’d had one of her girls call me with some bullshit about her needing some time.
Since I knew I hadn’t done anything to jeopardize our marriage, I’d had days to worry and question. When I thought she might be leaving me for another man I almost lost my fucking mind.
I knew then how easy it would’ve been for me to become one of those assholes on the news, who off their ex and the new man and shit. Scared the fuck outta me. I don’t ever want to be that fucked again.
She makes me weak; the only being on this earth who ever has or ever will. I won’t let her do that shit to me again. Won’t give her the kind of power she once held over me.
And the fact that I have to keep telling myself that shit over and over again day in and day out tells me that I’m already in trouble.
I’d asked myself earlier what I should no next but it seemed clear now. I just needed some time to come to terms with my decision.
For whatever fucked up reason she’s decided to come back. If I didn’t know better I’d think she was trying to finish me off. Just reel me back in so she could destroy me completely next time.
She’s the type that needs closure and all that other happy bullshit. Because I didn’t fall apart during the divorce, didn’t fight her, I knew it would bother the shit out of her.
Her over dramatic ass would’ve preferred that I beg her to stay. What she didn’t know was that her lack of trust in me, was the final nail in the coffin.
I’d never given her reason to doubt me. Never done anything remotely dishonest in our marriage. When I took my vows I meant every fucking word, obviously it was just a big fucking joke to her.
How else could she have made so light of it, of us? I’m sure she’d expected me to grovel at her feet. For her that would be me showing her that I loved her.
Too bad for her she’d missed all the clues while we were married. Every day I’d spent with her was showing my love. A love she hadn’t treasured enough to hold onto.
Each time I gave her the words, should’ve been proof. When I looked into her eyes while I was buried deep inside her and showed her my heart, that should’ve been proof.
It’s for all those reasons and more that I will never trust her again; can never trust her again. If she can’t see how or why I should feel this way, then she really is a ditz.
The thing is I think she did know at one time how much I loved her. I knew she was happy with me. A few short weeks before she pulled the runner she was smiling and joyful.
But something happened, I still have no idea what that something was. and I’d given up trying to figure it out long before I’d given up on my marriage.
She’d never told me where she got the idea that I was having an affair from. No name was ever revealed. Just an accusation, my denial and a ten million dollar divorce settlement.
I think I always knew deep down that we weren’t done with each other though. Nothing that volatile, that passionate can disappear that easily. Not without some major fireworks anyway.
And that’s what had been missing. She didn’t get the blow-ups and the fiery temper she’d been expecting.
She didn’t get me to order her to stay her ass where she was as I’d done countless times before. I didn’t threaten to tie her to my bed, or spank her ass.
In short, I didn’t fight for her or try to hold onto her after the last time I tried talking some sense into her and she refused to listen.
I let my anger get the better of me then. The fact that she had ran away from me without hearing my side had killed something inside me. Almost as much as being accused of adultery had.
That she could even entertain the idea that I would do such a thing after looking her in the face and telling her I loved her that very morning.
It was like spitting everything I am back in my face. It hadn’t mattered that I’d tried to be the kind of husband any woman would be happy to have. That I’d gone above and beyond always.
All that mattered was her pride and the falsehood she believed about the man she’d sworn to love. That last day I’d all but pleaded with her to listen.
I’d stopped short of begging and when I found myself way too close to doing that shit, that’s when I think something inside me laid down and died.
