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My eyes spring open when he groans. He empties himself inside of me, continuing to thrust in shorter and shorter strokes until he’s spent completely.
* * *
Once we're finally able to breathe again, Hunter speaks first. “Are you okay? I got a call from Chad that worried me. I—”
“I can’t have kids,” I say abruptly. Just like that. I figure it’s the only thing to do. Best to just say it and get it out of the way, because no matter how fabulous it feels being in Hunter’s arms, I know it can’t last, and I need to do this now. I need to make him understand that whether or not he’s bribing Chad, whether or not he’d called Amy, whether or not I care about him more than any man I’ve ever been with and wish we could have a future together, it can’t last.
“What?” He turns to me.
“It’s exactly what I said. I can’t have kids.” I wet my lips and bow my head, ashamed. “That’s why my ex broke up with me. Why he might want to fuck me, but not marry me.”
“Yeah, well, we both already know he’s a fucking asshole.”
I just shrug. It’s a battle I’ve been through a thousand times before, usually within the confines of my own head. “I don’t blame him and you shouldn’t either. I know you want kids, too.”
He shifts his attention away from me for a moment, but then his hand caresses my cheek and his mouth lands against my neck. He pushes me down on the mattress and crawls on top of me, his breath just as hot as before. But instead of giving in to his touch, I pull away and force myself to sit back up in bed.
He’s trying to distract me, which is exactly what I’ve been afraid of. He’s trying to avoid the hard conversation, and he’s using my lust for him as a weapon against me. He can’t fuck my fears out of me any more than I could ever make him stay.
“Dani, babe, it’s going to be okay,” he says, but his voice is stiff. It sounds false. It sounds desperate, like he’s trying to convince us both but can’t quite do it.
Tears threaten to pool at the corner of my eyes, but I force them away. I can’t cry in front of him, that would be showing him too much weakness. I’ll wait till he’s out the door if I’m going to cry at all. “In your mind, you’ve already left me.”
“What are you talking about?” He shakes his head gently, then tries to touch my face, but I pull away and climb to my feet on the opposite side of the bed so that the mattress separates us.
“Admit it,” I say. “You’re already out the door. There is no us.”
“Dani, our relationship is just beginning. I can’t say what’s going to happen.”
“Right.”
“You hardly know me, Dani. For all I know, you’ll leave me in a month because I'm a wuss who can't handle needles. Maybe you'll even leave me for the Hulk-lookalike at your shop,” he says, trying to make light of it. I can tell he's trying to make excuses, trying to comfort me, but there's no way to comfort me through this. It is what it is, and I need to protect myself before I fall too deep. And with Hunter, I can easily see myself falling too hard for him.
I lock eyes with him and force a gentle smile, but we both know it’s faker than a three-dollar bill. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, and when I open them, I’ve already made up my mind. “I’m not waiting for another guy to leave me.”
“I’m not trying to leave.”
“But you will. They always do,” I say.
“I'm trying to stay. I want to stay. Don't make me leave—”
“Do it now,” I tell him, but it’s not a request. It’s a demand. I open the bedroom door and gesture with one hand for him to leave. “Everyone always leaves. Doesn’t matter when, why, or how, but everyone does, so I need you to go.”
“Stop it, Dani. We don't know what the future holds for either of us.” Again, another pathetic excuse. He doesn't want to hurt me, but it will hurt far more once I'm head over heels in love with him and he decides to leave me for a woman who can give him what he wants.
“No. I won’t stop. I said leave. Now!” I push his chest and I keep pushing until he's standing before me. And then I push him toward the door, trying to get him as far away from me as possible.
“Be careful, Dani. You want to push me away? You’re getting close to getting your wish.”
“Go, Hunter. Just go. It's what I want.”
He’s about to say something, but he doesn’t. Instead he just offers me a curt nod before walking out.
I close the door behind him so he doesn’t see me break.
When I hear the front door slam, I sink to the floor with my back against the bedroom door.
I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel sad.
I just feel…empty.
