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She didn’t see me break down in uncontrollable chest-heaving sobs before I signed those papers, but she heard all about it from Ari.
Mama told me maybe I should wait, and even Papa, who’s been begging me to divorce Eli since I married him, said maybe I should do it when I’m calmer.
But I signed them. Even if I messed up the papers with my tears.
“It’s over now,” I whisper.
“Do you want it to be over?”
“Ithasto be over.”
“Says who?” My friend grabs my shoulders and sits facing me. “This is your choice, Ava. If you don’t want the divorce, don’t go through it.”
“I asked for it. I threatened him with suicide if he didn’t let me go.”
“Oh.”
I lower my eyes. Cecy is the only person I’ve told this, mainly because I didn’t want to worry my family. “Oh? Is that all you have to say?”
“I was wondering why someone like Eli would hand over the divorce papers so easily, and now, I understand. He’s willing to sacrifice his only red line for your safety.”
“More like he didn’t want blood on his hands. He’s probably glad he finally got rid of the loose screw.”
“Ava…” She takes my hand in hers. “First of all, you’re not a loose screw. You’re just someone who’s struggling by no fault of their own, and you made the hard decision to be admitted into a place you loathe in an attempt to get better. You’re so strong andimpressive, I don’t even know how you do it. So I willnothear any self-deprecating rubbish again or I will smack you.
“Second of all, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but Eli didn’t demand to be your guardian for controlling purposes. He really thought your parents, Ari, and even I were too soft and unable to handle hard decisions that could benefit you. We all knew you had alcoholism issues, but we were scared that if we pushed you to quit, you’d break. Not Eli. In fact, he berated us for babying you and letting your state deteriorate so badly. He got punched by Uncle Cole for it, by the way, but he still said he’d do it his way and none of us were allowed to interfere. That therapist he kicked out of the continent? He was caught on the verge of selling your and other patients’ confidential information to some pharmaceutical conglomerate, so Eli made sure he could no longer breathe in your vicinity.
“That first admission into the psyche ward was due to pressure from everyone after your constant panic attacks and fugue states. Uncle Cole was about to take him to court for negligence if he didn’t agree. He resisted it to the very end, but even after it happened, he visited you daily and spent a few hours with you no matter how busy he was. Sometimes, you recognized him, other times, you didn’t, but he was by your side every day until you used the sheets to try and strangle yourself. He discharged you the following day, despite the doctor's’ advice to put you on intensive watch and keep you for further observation.
“He threatened to have the entire institution shut down if anyone stood in his way as he carried you out. He vehemently refused to admit you again after that and chose to look after you himself. Sam told me he barely slept because he wanted to personally watch and keep you out of danger. He’s the one who carried you back to bed from your sleepwalks. If you fell into a puddle of mud, he's the one who bathed you and changed yourclothes. He banned alcohol from the house and even stopped drinking it himself.
“After you fell down the stairs and woke up in the hospital without memories, he tried to start anew. He knew you might get worse, but he held on to the small hope that you’ll get better instead. He forbid anyone from telling you any of the painful memories and wanted you to live normally, even if it’s temporarily. When he saw that you rekindled your relationship with the cello after a long time, he became a charity’s top Patreon and forced them to invite you for a performance. He knew that if they gave you the chance once, you’d charm them with your skills and the invitations would become organic. He kept his distance, not because you stabbed him or he hated you, but because the doctor thought his face triggered you.”
My chin trembles as fragmented memories of Eli picking me up, carrying me, and gently putting me to bed play in my head in a loop. Several realizations hit me as well.
He didn’t have missionary sex with me in the beginning, because he believed looking at his face would trigger me. He only changed that after I demanded it and he saw I was okay.
He never took off his clothes, because he didn’t want me to see the stab scar and somehow regain my memories of that time.
Eli didn’t care that I stabbed him. He only cared that I’d be hurt if I were to remember.
The man who killed someone in front of me in cold blood, then used the murder to tie me to him and made a toxic number of people disappear because they breathed wrong near me shouldn’t be this psychotically endearing.
He just shouldn’t.
“Ava…why are you crying?” Cecy wipes my cheeks with her sleeve.
“Because I’m willing to forget that he forced me to marry him. Hell, a part of me already forgot that. And another partliked that he forced me, because I have stubborn pride that forbids me from admitting I wanted that. Cecy…I think I love him. No. Pretty sure I’min lovewith him, which is why I broke down when I recalled everything and was hit by the lies. I couldn’t handle the betrayal or the fact that everything could be a lie.”
“Finally. It’s about time you realize what we’ve all known for years.” She smiles. “Are you going to talk to him?”
I shake my head frantically.
“Ava…you might not see him for months or years after you’re admitted.”
“That’s okay. I can’t trust myself not to splinter to pieces and become an emotional mess if I see his face. I let myself believe in an impossible fairy tale where we’d form a happy family together, but it was all an illusion.”
“If anyone can make it happen, it’s you.”
