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“Yup!”
“You’re so predictable.” She grins down at me as she scrolls through Netflix and then selects the film.
“I’m just religious about my comfort things.” I rub my face against her shoulder, fighting the onslaught of tears that I seem to be plagued with lately. “Thanks for coming at such short notice. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you.”
“Always. We’re ride or die, remember?”
“Hell yeah. Even if Jeremy hates me for confiscating you.”
She laughs. “He’ll live.”
“But will he live like a normal human being or will he live by blowing some shit up and ruining people’s existence?”
“He promised to behave.”
“Oooh. You’re taming him.”
“More like we’re in this together, you know? A relationship needs some compromises from both sides for it to work.”
“That’s only applicable if both parties are in their right state of mind. Pretty sure there’s an exception for insane partners.” I stare at the opening scene of the film but don’t register anything.
“Ava, you’re not insane,” Cecy tells me in a soft but firm voice.
“I’m just getting there?”
“Ava…”
“It’s okay. The first step of overcoming a hurdle is to admit it exists.”
For the past ten days, I’ve been thinking about all my freshly returned memories. About the turmoil and the paralyzing fear I felt during my marriage. I truly believed Eli when he said he’d kill me if I didn’t obey and follow his plan.
During the first two years of the marriage, I was scared he’d make good on his promise, and he didn’t make things better by forcing me into rehab, changing therapists and treatments, admitting me to the ward, and cutting me out of my clubbing circles.
The day when I held a knife and demanded he let me go was my tipping point, after a panic attack. But here’s what he doesn’tknow, the reason behind that episode wasn’t only because my discontent had reached its peak. The actual trigger was that I saw a video of him at a party that I couldn’t attend—and he didn’t ask me to—because I was a mess.
At said party, Gemma touched his arm and openly flirted with him.
While he didn’t look particularly interested, he also didn’t attempt to push her away.
I was livid that he’d locked me up while he paraded around with other women. I was paranoid he’d soon bring a lover home and flaunt it in my face.
So even though I was frightened, I had to destroy him before he did the same to me. And most of all, I’d had enough of cowering from him. Like a bird trapped in a cage, I wanted to shatter the bars and fly out, even if my wings were broken in the process and I had to bleed all over the floor.
But I never meant to stab him. Ireallydidn’t. The moment I did, I dropped the knife and couldn’t stop staring at the blood that gushed out of him.
Even then, I realized, I’d never truly hated him. The thought of him dying because of me hurt more than anything he’d ever done to me.
I didn’t realize I was walking backward until he shouted my name and I fell down the stairs.
Having amnesia was both a blessing and a curse.
A blessing because I was no longer scared of Eli and reverted to my personality at uni, and, in retrospect, my old feelings for him resurfaced. In the two years we were married, I didn’t dare admit those feelings, because the fear of accidentally provoking him and getting killed was much stronger.
A curse because now that I remember everything, the pain has doubled, and tripled until my chest can no longer carry the pieces of my broken heart.
Yes, I left Eli, but my feelings for him linger on like bitter lime stuck at the back of my throat.
“Is this about the divorce?” Cecy asks slowly.
