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I should go and leave her be.
I should have. I was going to but I couldn’t make myself move so there I stood. Just watching. It was like I was being held captive, unable to look away as she turned a page in her book and smiled. A genuine smile. The kind of smile that made you believe in kindness and everything good in this world.
I should leave. I really should.
But seeing her here, her freckles on display, looking so happy and content. I couldn’t leave. Part of me wanted to go up to her, pick her up, and just have her in my arms, another part of me was content with just watching her be happy.
What is happening to me?
I thought about everything that had happened tonight. I wanted her. I wanted her to be mine, I had almost said it. Granted it was in my head but I almost said it.
She’s mine.
NO.
Catalina could never be mine. She was right all those weeks ago. I was jealous. Jealous of that prick. Jealous that he was able to hold her, touch her soft olive skin, and kiss her pretty pink lips. I wanted her. She had no idea how much I wanted her. I wanted her more than I wanted anything else in my life. Yet I couldn’t have her. She might not see me as a monster but we both knew what I was. What I was capable of, and even if she wasn’t horrified by me today she could very well wake up tomorrow and be disgusted by me or worse. She could be hurt because of me. Gabriel might be actively not trying to kill me but I have killed a fair share of my brothers over the years that had decided to visit. If she was mine, she would be in danger and I couldn’t do that to her.
But I could keep her safe.
I would. If Catalina was mine I would spend every single day making sure she was not only as happy and content as she was in this library, but I would make sure she was safe. I’d make sure no one would ever harm her again. The sound of Catalina dropping her book on the floor sprang me out of my thoughts. She had fallen asleep. Her head rested on the side of her chair. Slowly I walked in the delicate scent of Lavender and Vanilla filled me as I carefully picked her up in my arms and carried her to her room.
Her door was already open, Silently I walked in with her and gently placed her on the bed, pulling the covers up to tuck her in. She looked so beautiful, I couldn’t stop myself as I placed a kiss on her forehead. There was something about being around her that did something to me. I loved our little spats here and there. I loved our training sessions together. I loved seeing her smile and laugh. I loved seeing her happy and content. I loved our evenings together in the library. I loved those little moments where I could see that wall she had built up slowly come down, piece by piece. I loved-
I glanced back at the sleeping girl in front of me and smiled as the realization hit me with such force it nearly knocked me down. Slowly I leaned down and whispered the confession I had kept even from myself for so long. A truth that I could no longer hide. A truth I didn’t even want to admit to myself because If I opened myself up to her, to what this could be, She could be something used against me, something I could lose and I wasn’t strong enough for that. But she had to know, even if she was asleep I had to tell her, tell some part of her.
‘I-I think I’m in love with you.”
* * *
I couldn’t sleep. After I left Catalina my confession still rang out in my head.
I think I’m in love with you.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her. About what she could be thinking about, how she felt. Even when my eyes fell shut, those moments slipping into sleep were filled with thoughts and images of her. Her smile, her eyes, the delicate little freckles that graced her face. It was madness. A madness that I would happily lose my sanity for.
I thought about telling her in the morning. Telling her to her face when she was awake, confessing what I had been too afraid to say while she was awake. It didn’t sit right with me when I thought about it. The perfect time would come, I just needed to figure out how I was going to say it. How to confess.
The sound of a door’s small creek echoed throughout the house followed by soft footsteps.
There’s no way she’s awake right now.
I had put Catalina to bed a little over two hours ago and she had been completely deep into sleep. She shouldn’t have been awake, not at this hour. I reached up pulling the blanket off of me as I got up, grabbing a pair of gray sweatpants and grabbing the dagger I had left on my nightstand as I slowly opened the door. I peered into the hallway, surprised to find it empty. Slowly I made my way to the living room. The house was dark except for the light of a small candle that flickered on the kitchen island. I turned the corner to see Catalina, hair unbound and dressed in black shorts and a matching crop top, had her back to me as she faced the open balcony doors and took a single step outside. The light of the moon shone brightly down on her.
“Catalina, are you alright?” I asked as I inched a bit closer. She didn’t respond as she took another step. Something wasn’t right.
“Catalina?”
I took another step towards her, but she ignored me as she once again took another step towards the ledge. Slowly she raised a hand as if reaching for something.
I placed my hand on her shoulder. A vibration went through her as she closed her hand and brought it back down to her side before she turned to me. Her eyes were wide with shock and fear as she took in her surroundings.
“What the hell are we doing out here?”
“You walked out here, remember?”
Catalina looked at me as if I had told her the sky was purple.
“No, I didn’t.”
