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Blerg, the guilt at getting rid of so many people washes over me. Not too nice, Gwen. I look over at Rohan and see he’s currently wearing the Baby Bjorn with the gold urn stuffed into it. I half expect him to start bouncing up and down a little and shushing it. Oh, this is weird. Just so very weird.
On the screen, Dr. Napper is still talking. “As you’ve guessed, our first adventure is ziplining down to the incredible Sacred Valley of the Incas. This is going to be the first of several challenges I will ask you to undertake with me. Each one will stretch your mind, push your physical limits, and lift your soul to new levels. Please use this trek as a chance to open your mind to the possibilities of the universe, broaden your boundaries, and test your mettle. Let the trip unfold as it will and trust me, you’ll be better for it. Also, please note this will be the easiest leg of our adventure, so buckle up. Things are going to get interesting. But that’s really the point. For me to show you life truly is about the journey, not the destination.” He grins, then says, “I’d like you to choose a buddy for the trip. Someone to watch out for you and who you will watch out for in return. To my business partner, Ty, assuming you’re here, everyone needs a buddy, including you. And to whomever gets Ty, don’t be intimidated. It’s all just an act. He’s like an M&M—he’s got a hard outer shell but he’s soft and sweet on the inside. Now, stick together and get to know each other and yourselves. Peace out.”
I glance around to try to find a buddy, only to see Sterling pointing to Rohan, who shoots him a dirty look, putting his hand on the urn as though protecting it from the mean man. Niles, Karen, and Savannah are all holding a hand up in Ty’s direction while I try to get Karen’s attention. She completely ignores me. I know I should be trying to pair off with Mr. Sterling too. It would be the smart thing to do, but he really is the last person who I would ever want as my buddy in an actual life and death scenario (which could very likely happen out here). Ty taps me on the shoulder. When I look up at him, his expression is passive, although I think I can see a hint of desperation in his eyes. “Will you be my buddy?”
“Me?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “Yes. We’ve already nearly died together and we got through that, so…”
You have to do this, Gwen. You know you do. Offer him a toothy smile. No, that’s too much. He looks scared. There. Much better. “Sure. I’d love to.”
Disappointed grunts and groans are heard around the shack, then I watch as Niles and Rohan pair off, and Savannah and Karen do the same.
A man in a windbreaker and cargo pants comes to stand next to Thiago. “Welcome. I’m Luis and I will be your guide today. We are going to take five ziplines, which together make a total descent of 3000 meters. The entire thing will take just under an hour. When we get to the bottom, there will be a bus waiting to take you to the village of Yanque where you will stay the night. If you need to use the toilet, now is the best time.”
Thiago snaps his fingers at me. “You, nervous bladder, you should go now.”
Oh, thanks a lot, asshole.
Luis shoots Thiago a dirty look, then glances at my legs. “Miss, you might want to put some pants on.”
“I totally agree. Unfortunately, this is all I have,” I tell him, pointing to my clothes.
Luis looks at the other women. “Might one of you have some pants for this poor woman? She is going to chafe very badly,” he says, gesturing to his inner thighs.
Savannah looks at me, then wrinkles up her nose. “I don’t think I’ll have anything that’ll fit. I’m just so small-waisted.”
Karen smiles at me. “I have some pants you can wear.”
“Really?” I ask her.
She nods. “We girls have to stick together,” she says, glancing at Ty. “Especially in this situation.”
I nod and let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
She crouches and pulls a pair of leggings out of her backpack. “They might be a little long, but you can roll them up.”
I take the pants and smile at her, feeling guilty for how much shit I’ve talked about the Yeti people over the last decade. “Thank you. You’re very kind.”
I search the shack for the bathroom, only to spot it through the window. It’s an outhouse. Awesome.
A few minutes later, I’ve peed (yes, again), changed into the world’s tightest leggings (because of course Miss Canada is super thin), and returned in time to see Mr. Sterling being fitted for his harness. And hello, Mr. Sterling! Nice to meet all of you.
When it’s my turn, I feel heat rising up my neck as Luis lifts the harness up my legs and tightens it around my waist. Oh my God, I bet I have a serious case of camel toe on account of the crazy tight leggings and the harness. Can this be over now?
He stands up and selects a helmet off the wall, then when he’s about to hand it to me, he looks at my hair and narrows his eyes. “What’s in your hair?”
“Dried baby vomit.”
He wrinkles up his nose. “We better get that cleaned up.”
“I would love that.”
He walks over to a cooler on the table and opens it, taking out a bottle of water. “Come on. Let’s do this outside.”
So now, I’m outside on a windy mountain bent over with the outline of everything my pants should be hiding on display for the world while a complete stranger rinses vomit out of my hair. What was that thing I was thinking earlier about being enchanting?
11
