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He seemed to exhale a huge breath. He started to speak and I said, "Please? There's – more."
He closed his mouth and nodded. I could see the Master warring with whoever this man was.
"I've been running away from you every time because I didn't want to admit who I was to myself. While I was gone, before everything got so crazy all I could think was It's fucking Samuels doing this?"
He laughed at that. "Yeah. Me, too."
I blew out a sigh. "Sir? I want this. I want you to be my Master. I want you to push me in all the ways I think I can't handle. Insane long runs. Being spanked in the desert. I want you to discipline me because I need it and I want you to do it because you want to and I want all the things that scare me. I came back because of the rainforest cure at first. But that first time I ran?" I was ready for the big secret to be out but he already knew.
"I know you did some sessions in San Francisco."
I sighed. "And here I thought I had a secret."
He stopped pacing and looked down at me. "I touch you between your legs and you have no secrets."
My smile at that might have been.
"I want to give you what you need, too."
He sat down, facing me on a chair. "What's that?"
I swallowed hard. "I want to submit. I want to learn what I can endure. I want you to teach me, humiliate me, expose me, punish me, auction me off for charity."
He shuddered and I thought what he muttered was, "Never again."
"I want you to hurt me. But the pain I dream of isn't the same when I'm in the pain room."
He smiled brilliantly and laughed. "Of course it isn't! That's the point! Masochists dream of pain until it's happening. Sadists then give it to them even though they don't want it anymore." He leaned in close. "Want to know a secret? Pain hurts."
I pretended to be shocked.
He pretended to be imparting knowledge.
We smiled at each other.
"There are so many things you've done to me I never wanted and didn't think I could endure. Maybe some of them have made me stronger but that's not the point. I want to be pushed. But I want to do what you want, no matter how miserable or scared or in pain it makes me. Does that make sense?" I was really asking.
He was really laughing. "Masochist," he said.
It came back to that every time. So maybe I'd made my point.
He summed up everything I'd just said and then said, "That's everything we've been doing. What's different?"
I smiled. "I want to do it without a contract?"
He froze. "What's to stop you from running then, every time you get afraid?"
Like I had before.
"The fact that there's no contract. The fact that I can."
A slow smile spread across his face.
"I've never been more under your control, never more of a slave or sub, than when you've simply ordered me to remain still while you do something to me I don't want."
He nodded, accepting the point.
"It's not smart, Annie. You won't have your side of the contract." He stalked behind me and my flesh crawled with hope.
