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Even though they’re nothing more than a blurry glow, I also know the one directly in front of me is Kosmel.
“Hello, wayward rogue,” he says in a voice that’s somehow more here and also more everywhere both at the same time. Every particle of me, however much of me is present, quivers with it. “You served me well, didn’t you?”
“I did my best for the kingdom and the people in it who needed help the most,” I find myself saying.
What’s going on here? Is this some side effect of all the magic I channeled?
Maybe this is the final stage of my riven madness, and he’s not speaking to me at all. Maybe none of this is real.
As if he can hear my thoughts, the trickster godlen chuckles. “Oh, it’s real in the most fundamental possible way. And I wanted to offer you an opportunity within this reality, as a reward for everything you’ve done.”
I give his glowing form a puzzled look. “A reward?”
“Our mistakes left you with more than a lifetime’s worth of guilt and pain. You’ve protected the realms despite that. I think you deserve just as much peace as the rest of those you fought so hard to save. What you’re feeling right now, that can be yours always. You can linger here in the divine for as long as you wish until you’re ready to release your soul.”
I grapple with those words for a moment. “You’re saying I’ll be dead.”
“You’ll die eventually either way. I can’t guarantee what awaits you down below, but it will definitely be more difficult and fraught than anything you’ll experience among us.”
My lips part, but no sound comes out.
He said I’d find only peace here. That I’d get to escape all the pain of my past existence. But a tiny ache has already bloomed in my heart.
What about Stavros and Casimir, Alek and Rheave? Am I really going to walk away from them without even a good-bye?
What about seeing Petra finally claim her throne? What about the promise I made to Julita to ensure her old county was in good hands?
What about all that life I’ve only just started really living rather than lurking on the fringes like a shadow?
Kosmel’s voice gentles. “All those desires would quickly melt away in this place. You might not satisfy any of them if you return. Even we don’t know what effect your last act will have on your mind.”
I might be absolutely crazed if he returns me to my body, he means. I might have a few more minutes of agonized existence and then fade away into the nothingness of death.
Do I really want to trade this comforting warmth for that possibility?
Even as I ask the question, my certainty about my answer grows.
There are so many other possibilities ahead of me now. There’s so much else I want to accomplish.
There will be pain and guilt and sadness along the way. It might be all I have left.
But it might not.
Even a slim chance at having more of the loving joy I found is worth all the rest.
I haven’t spoken, but I get the impression of Kosmel nodding. “I see your resolve. I won’t argue with you, and I hope your decision brings you more happiness than anguish.”
I suck in one more breath of the glowing air, contentment rushing through my veins, and then I’m plummeting.
I slam back into my body with a heaved breath and more gibberish tumbling from my mouth.
An arm is wrapped around me, a hand cupping my cheek. A vial tips against my lips with a spill of cool, bitter liquid.
“We’ve got you,” Casimir says tenderly, with a hint of a rasp. “And this is where we’ll stay—right here, with you.”
Forty-One
Several months later
