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Breathing heavily with a mixture of emotion and excitement, I ran up the stairs to my room and upon entering, lit a candle. Rose didn’t stir. I grabbed her stolen clothing from the dresser; a shirt, a fine embroidered waistcoat and a pair of breeches that had all been freshly washed, and had scrubbed up rather well now they weren’t caked in dirt. I put them on, along with my stockings and sturdy boots. Then her hat, tucking up my long dark hair so it was out of sight. I caught a glimpse of myself in the looking glass. In the flickering gloom, I looked like a young gentleman—my pox scars lending an authenticity to the illusion that Rose’s perfect complexion never could.
I laughed softly to myself.
Rose woke up then and stared at me, her eyes widening when she saw me wearing her costume.
‘Wha ... ?’ she started. I hastily went to her bedside.
‘I’m leaving, Rose,’ I whispered. ‘Hush now. It’s for the best,’ I added as she started to protest.
‘But where will you go? What will you do?’ A plan came fully formed to my mind, as if it had been there all along waiting for me to see it.
‘I’m going to a place where my face will not cause hate as it does here.’
Rose started to cry. ‘But you will be hurt. It is dangerous out there!’ I smiled wryly at this.
‘I believe it is more dangerous at this moment for me to stay at the rectory. Don’t worry, I’ll cut my hair short and the pox will keep any men’s hand’s from me as you said yourself. Now dry your tears and please tell Sebastian that I ... No, wait. I will write him a note before I go and leave it on his desk. Take care, Rose. You will be safe with Sebastian watching out for you.’
Rose wiped her eyes on the sheet and hopped out of bed. ‘If you must go, take this at least!’
She thrust her butcher’s knife into my hand, and I stowed it in my rucksack (thinking it would be useful for hacking off my hair), along with my leather money purse and a few other belongings. I blew her a kiss and left her looking after me like a startled rabbit, but it had to be done. I felt no fear, only a strange kind of determination. I slunk quietly down the stairs and padded along the dark hallway and down the main staircase.
Sebastian’s study lay in pitch-blackness, but dawn was near as I could hear a few birds tweeting outside in the stillness. I lit a candle and hurriedly scratched a note with his quill. My writing was not as good as my reading, but I hoped he’d be able to understand it.
Dear Sir (Sebastian),
I am leaving to the one place where I won’t cause you any more trouble. You have helped me find it by teaching me to read and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please give Jasper his letter, I took it without meaning to hurt him but he needs it back. Do not fret about me, I have enough money for my passage and will be safe with God looking out for me, like He has always done. Tell Maggie goodbye and I will write to mother soon and inform her of my change in circumstance. Watch over Rose!
Your maid and friend,
Mercy Graham
Tears welled in my eyes, but I held them back and carefully placed Jasper’s letter on top of my own, laying beside them the slim green novel that had taught me everything I needed to know about travelling to Venice. My goodbye written, I strode purposefully to the kitchen before I changed my mind. I took down my cloak for the last time but left my basket where it was on the floor. The sound of Maggie’s soft snores floated out from her room, and I could smell the faint stale odour of the previous night’s rabbit stew. The breakfast things lay carefully prepared on the counter. I hovered, savouring the familiar space soon to become a mere memory.
As I turned the handle of the back door and stepped out into the cold air, how right and good it felt to leave—to make my own destiny, come what may. I thought my father too would want me to be happy and not blame myself any longer for causing his death.
I could sense his presence as I swerved off the servants’ path onto the gravel drive. My boots made a satisfying crunching noise as I walked towards the road and freedom. From now on, I would create my own path. A strong feeling passed through me that everything would be all right despite the uncertainty I now faced. I had money, a destination, and my pox-scarred face was my protection.
At the end of the drive, I turned and looked back at the rectory. Rosy streaks were appearing on the horizon, but Jasper’s room lay in darkness. As I watched, I thought, but could not be sure, that his curtain twitched slightly.
I turned again, thrust my icy hands deep into my coat pockets, and started walking into town to hitch a ride on a cart to Dover—my heart beating in anticipation of the journey ahead. My warm breath left white puffs of frosty air hanging in the wake of my passing. Then just like me, they were gone.
Chapter 21
‘You didn’t have to say anything,’ I said to Thomas when we’d dumped our bags in the guest room. ‘Beth was only being mouthy because she was drunk.’
He sat on the double bed, nibbling on the profiterole I’d given him. ‘Yes, I did. She was pissing me off. I can’t believe your sister looks so much like you, but she’s so awful. How come you got all the nice genes?’
I shrugged. ‘Maybe she has Dad’s personality. He left when we were little, so we don’t know much about him. Mum always told us he’d run away to join the circus. But when we were older, she admitted he’d skipped off to Birmingham with another woman.’
‘Lordy, families,’ Thomas said with a sigh.
‘Oh well, at least we got through dinner. And ... and I did like what you said—about not forgiving her, but forgiving myself for not deserving better.’
I walked over to where he was sitting. ‘I’ve realised that letting go of Jeremy is part of that because he’s never going to be able to give me the kind of love that I want—a love that’s reciprocated. And due to that, I’ve started looking for another job.’
Thomas let out a breath. ‘Bravo, Anna.’
‘But letting go of Jeremy is hard for me,’ I said, trying not to let my voice wobble. ‘I’ve been loving him for so long that not having him to love feels like losing my right arm. Does that make sense?’
