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‘And for the record, I don’t think she should forgive you. But I hope she forgives herself because she deserves so much better from someone who’s her own flesh and blood.’
Thomas got up from the table and went into the kitchen, where I heard him running the tap to get a glass of water.
I blinked my eyes as they’d started brimming again. Thomas was really setting me off lately. And oh god, what he’d said was amazing. Hastily, I grabbed a couple of profiteroles, feeling like I’d rather spend the evening with him than listen to my sister’s drunken bleating.
‘I think it’s best if we eat these in our room. Thanks for dinner, Mum,’ I said and exited too, leaving a stony silence behind me.
He was right: some things in life were unforgivable.
Chapter 20
The red mark on Rose’s face had calmed down by later that evening, but I hadn’t. My emotions were whirring around in me too fast and violent to be tamed. I sat on the bed. I paced. I sat. I paced. Rose didn’t know what to do with me.
‘I don’t think he’ll come after me again if that’s what you’re worried about,’ she said, twisting a length of hair around her finger. ‘After what you said in the dining room, I’m sure Sebastian has told him to stay away from me.’
‘It’s not you I’m worried about—it’s me,’ I said worriedly. ‘You didn’t see his face. He hates me even more than he did before, if that’s possible.’
‘Oh, Mercy,’ Rose sighed, getting into bed. ‘I’m sure he doesn’t hate you. He’s just annoyed that he got caught out. Why don’t you come to bed and get some rest? It’s been an eventful day.’
I got into bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I was wound up like a tightly coiled spring. Images of Jasper and Rose went round and round in my head until I couldn’t stand it anymore. When I heard that Rose was asleep, I got out of bed and left the room.
Of all the reckless notions I’d had recently, this was perhaps the craziest and most dangerous. But such was the madness of love. I couldn’t seem to control my actions. I needed to go to him. Like I had in my dream, I slipped down the dark narrow stairwell and along the hallway. I turned Jasper’s door handle and stepped into his room. The moonlight showed a shape underneath the covers, breathing steadily. I went over and knelt next to the bed so the light was behind me, but full upon Jasper’s perfect sleeping face. Forgetting the ugly scene at supper and all his slights towards me, in that moment, all I could see was beauty, and my heart expanded with love.
As if feeling my presence, Jasper stirred and woke. ‘Rose?’ he murmured sleepily. ‘Is that you?’
I didn’t correct him, although I knew it was wrong of me. As in my dream, his hand grasped my wrist and he pulled me into bed with him, down into the soft covers and his warm embrace. I was so startled with joy I could hardly think. I felt like I was in heaven. He nuzzled my neck and whispered sweet nothings, and I was so happy I didn’t even stop to think they were meant for another.
‘Oh, Jasper,’ I whispered, and he began to kiss me. But as he did so, he brushed one hand along my cheekbone. Midstroke, after feeling the pockmarks on my face, his hand froze. Jasper recoiled with a gasp of horror when he realised it was me he was kissing and not his beloved Rose. He inched away from me as far as he could up against the headboard and scrubbed at his mouth with the back of his hand. This made me angry.
‘I’m not infectious, Jasper. Don’t you know anything about the pox? Once you’ve had it, you can never have it again.’ I crawled over to him in the hope he would resume his affection, but he sprung out of bed.
‘How dare you come in here and pretend to be Rose! Do you really think I would’ve kissed you if I’d known it was you?’ he said icily, snatching up a blanket from the chair.
Before I knew what was happening, he’d thrown the blanket over my head and wrestled me off the bed to the ground. There was a moment of disbelief before fear kicked in, and then I struggled with all my might, feeling that he would smother me to death. I screamed for Sebastian and managed to free a foot and strike Jasper in the shin. He grunted, let go of an edge, and I scrambled out. Grabbing his whip lying on the dresser, I brought it down with all my might on his back. But he grabbed my ankle, trying to pull my leg out from under me. I screamed again, full force, and sharply kicked him in the nether regions. He collapsed with a yell of pain.
I heard running feet along the corridor, and Sebastian burst into the room in his nightshirt.
‘What on earth’s going on in here?’ he exclaimed, staring at Jasper lying on the floor, holding his crotch and groaning. I threw myself into Sebastian’s arms.
‘H-he tried to kill me!’ I whimpered.
‘Is this true, Jasper?’ asked Sebastian, sounding incredulous.
‘She came in here without invitation, Seb, and climbed into bed with me! What, pray tell, was I meant to do? I was only defending myself from the pox!’
Sebastian made a strangled noise and drew me hurriedly from the room. I couldn’t stop crying and shaking from the shock of Jasper hating me that much he would try to kill me. Sebastian took me to his own room and bade me to sit on his bed.
‘Oh, child,’ he sighed. ‘You shouldn’t have done that. Jasper is deathly afraid of the pox, as you’ve just discovered. I’ve told him to get inoculated, but he’s too afraid of being in any contact with the disease for that. Still, that’s no excuse for what he did to you.’
He sat and put his arm around me, but still, I shook. Was it fear that had made Jasper try to snuff the life out of me or a darker part of his nature? I didn’t want to wait around and find out. I no longer felt safe in this house. Whatever feelings of belonging I’d had in the rectory were gone; the spell was broken. I got up off the bed and stood looking down at Sebastian. He might be the kindest man I’d known apart from my father, but he was Jasper’s friend and would always forgive him for whatever wrongs he did to me.
‘Thank you, sir. I will go to my room now. I am sorry for disturbing your sleep.’
‘Get some rest, Mercy, and we’ll say no more about it. I’m sure Jasper will calm down and forget about it shortly.’ He smiled and patted my hand.
On the way back to my room, I tried to believe Sebastian was right, but I couldn’t. There was no way on earth Jasper would ever forget this, so how could I remain here?
But somehow, by confronting him, I had given myself the gift of choice. I now found myself standing at a crossroads. One path loomed before me strange, mysterious, and unthinkable in its daring. The other led to whatever pain Jasper chose to throw my way when he recovered.
