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I shrug again, at a loss for what to say.
“That guy bothering you?” Ben’s voice carries a note of concern now. Anger even.
“No, he just…”
“He figured it out?”
With a huge sigh, I offer a resigned nod. It’s another freaking lie, but it’s a lie that hopefully will get me through tonight.
“Do you want me to have a talk with him?” Ben asks and my eyes go wide.
“No. No, no. That’s okay. It’s okay. He’s just been wondering where I was going to sleep. He was concerned earlier when I didn’t go with the other girls to get rooms and he just let me know that he figured out I was sleeping upstairs.”
There. Not a total lie. It’s actually the truth in a sense.
When I look up from my feet, Ben is giving me the strangest look. “Would it be so bad if everyone knew?”
I close my eyes at his words, unable to prevent my feelings from overtaking me. I can’t worry about how I must look to him right now. This is all officially too much.
This kind, generous, fun, sexy man likes me. Really likes me. Wants me. He’s plowing forward as if this thing between us is real. He wants it to be real.
I want it to be real, too. So badly I could cry.
I might actually cry.
This is a familiar stage of dating for me. After weeks or days of doing my best to be lovely and fun and cool, there comes a point when the guy decides he either wants me or he “isn’t looking for a relationship right now”. And that’s when it either becomes real or I learn that it’s just a casual thing.
That’s how it’s always gone for me. They get to decide while I wait patiently to be proclaimed good enough for a relationship or only good enough for sex.
This time, though…I wasn’t hoping for this moment. I’ve been dreading it. I should have gotten out in front of it and told him from the first second that there was no chance of a relationship between us.
In my defense, I didn’t actually think he would get to this place. I never thought he would consider me relationship material, even as I dreamed about it all being real.
I’ve been watching it get more and more real. I should have been telling him it wasn’t. I should have been avoiding this moment. But I wasn’t. Because I wanted it.
Because it is real.
Even though it’s not.
“Victoria.”
Ben lays his hand on my shoulder, and I open my eyes to look up at him. The concern is still there, mixed with something I might call fear. Possibly even disappointment.
That’s all I’m going to be to him. A disappointment.
If he finds out the truth, I will have let him down. Betrayed him.
If he doesn’t, I’m still going to disappoint him by failing to be able to give him what he wants. What he’s clearly asking for.
“This has been a really hard day. Let’s not make it any harder right now, okay? Whatever’s going on, can we keep it until tomorrow when these people go to the hotel and we get our house back?” His voice is gentle now, like he’s coaxing a scared animal out of a corner.
I nod and he smiles at me. “There was a vote, and they chose Nightmare on Elm Street.”
I smile back, even though I want to cry. He’s right. We need to get through this night, and then maybe I’ll be able to make myself do what needs to be done. Maybe I’ll walk away from this.
“That’s my favorite.”
He smiles again, taking a deep breath and exhaling in a huff, looking around. I know he wants to hug me. I want him to hug me.
