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I flop back on the sofa and groan. “Yeah, Sal. Because of the lies. It sucks. I mean, it seems to be going so well. We hang out, and it's fun and the sex is wild, and I think I'm actually a good influence on the guy.” I know for damn sure he’s a good influence on me. I’ve been finding myself making decisions about my life so calmly and confidently. Small decisions, sure, like where to grab dinner or which insurance company to sign up with when my current travel insurance expires at the end of the month, but decisions none the less. Just a few weeks ago, I would have agonized over them, put them off, or made someone else decide.
“I saw him in shorts yesterday. I just about shit myself,” Sally tosses my way with a knowing smile.
I laugh. “He’s loosening up. It’s fun to see. It’s like he’s coming out of a shell that he didn’t realize he was in.”
“And you?”
I cock my head to the side and consider how to put the feeling into words. “It’s interesting, because he is still really alpha, he likes to be in charge, but I’m definitely calling the shots. Like, in the past, he’s always expressed his dominance in very specific, very controlled ways. And with me…”
“He can finally be his wild animal self.”
We both laugh and I nod. “I guess so. I feel like a queen, for sure, especially in that big house. And he always wants me there. It feels good.”
Safe is the word I want to use, but I chicken out. I’m not ready to admit that to anyone, not even myself.
“But not good enough to ask him if your relationship is going anywhere.”
I shake my head and sigh, the good feelings from the last few minutes draining away. “How long could it last? Until the first major holiday when his kid comes home and finds me there?” I shake my head again. “No. It just is what it is. I may be having fun, but it’s not a real relationship. I’m sure he feels the same.”
“What makes you think that?”
“He’s got a life, one that I’m never going to be a part of. He’s literally on vacation. I’m a vacation fling. And—” I hold up my hand to stop her protest. I’ve heard it all before. “It’s okay that I’m a vacation fling because we have a basic incompatibility that will never change.”
And by it’s okay I mean, it has to be okay. There’s no other option for us, even as the time I spend with Ben is starting to feel like…more.
If I tell him about Ainsley, it’s over.
If I don’t tell him and he eventually finds out, it’s over.
If this whole thing becomes too much of a lie for me to live with…well, then I break it off and it’s over.
The last scenario is the only one that doesn’t end in an explosion of drama and humiliation, but I still know it’s the least likely.
I don’t want to give him up…ever.
The world is going to have to rip him away from me. And I know it will, so I’m just going to let it all play out until I lose my man, my job, and my home all in one moment.
I really should be doing something to mitigate the damage, but I'm not.
Instead, I’m having feelings. And not the usual sort.
Not even I’m stupid enough to call it love, but it’s something. Something I’ve never felt before. It’s craving and joy. It’s an expansive feeling in my chest that inspires me to be better at my job, my life, and taking care of myself. It’s a feeling of freedom, like I could do or be anything.
In that man’s presence, I’m invincible.
Ironic that he’s the one who’s always chasing me.
And the one who’s going to take me down.
You’re taking yourself down, girl.
It’s the truth. I can blame this on anyone I want, but I know it’s all me. I’m not only going to smash whatever little life I've got going for me here, as well as my hopes and dreams of somehow keeping this guy forever, but I’m going to crush Ben.
He’s really opening up, loosening up. He’s not the same uptight, suit-wearing, rule follower I met in that bar. In just a few short weeks, I’ve started to expect smiles out of the guy. He jokes and laughs and surprises me. He eats carbs for god’s sake. Not a lot, mind you, but a little bite here and there.
I feel like an egomaniac taking all the credit for his transformation, but I do deserve some. And I’ll deserve one hundred percent of the blame when this slippery slope ends in ruin.
“Do you want to walk down to the store with me? There’s supposed to be a storm coming in tonight, and I want to make sure we’ve got food for tomorrow.”
