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Is the life I’m living the one that I want to live?
Shit. I may have completely lost my mind. Full on existential crisis. But I don’t know how to recover. There’s no one to ask for help because I’m the person everyone comes to when they need help.
“Ben, I gotta be honest with you right now, you don’t look well.”
I look up too quickly, and my head spins. “Oh, I'm fine. Just feeling a bit off kilter, I guess.”
Victoria pushes off the side of the pool with one foot and floats toward the center. “Just feeling a bit off kilter, I guess,” she mimics in what I guess is how she thinks I sound. It’s not a flattering rendition.
I collapse back onto the chaise. All I want is to leap up and start fixing things, but I can’t think of a single thing to do. There’s nothing out there to fix. What’s broken is inside my own mind.
What if I’ve been doing it wrong my entire life?
At this point, I'm almost positive my son would agree with that. Hell, I can’t even get the kid to talk to me anymore. I’ve been blaming him for that, waiting for him to come around and get on board with the life I’ve laid out for him.
But if my life is wrong, then the life I chose for him is wrong. Everything’s wrong.
I’ve been fighting with him for so many years, trying to make him see my point of view, but what if he’s been right all along?
I can imagine the text message I’d send him. Hey Ains, hope you’re having fun. Just wanted to let you know that I realized you’ve been right all along, and we should all just do whatever we want in life. So, enjoy Cambodia or wherever you are, see you around!
And right now, with my eyes closed against the afternoon sun, next to my enormous pool and my gorgeous beachfront mansion, exhausted from spending the last hour fucking the hell out of a vivacious, smart, funny, twenty-three year old fitness instructor, I start to believe the words.
I never actually have to go back to the city, back to my office and regiment. This right here could be my life.
I roll my head to the side and crack my eyes open. Victoria has taken off the bikini and tossed it over the side of the pool. She floats naked on the flamingo, eyes closed, seemingly not a care in the world.
I glance down at my own bare chest, sweat gleaming from the heat of the day, then back up at the gloriously naked woman in my pool.
This is my life. Quite literally.
Is it possible this is the first time I’ve ever realized that I have any choice in the matter? That I've entertained the idea that I could change the rules and enjoy myself?
I’m going to try. Just a little experiment to see if what I'm feeling right now is something that can be real, rather than just some passing dopamine. Or a stroke.
I’ll give it two weeks. Let the office know I’m going to work from here. Let Victoria know that I’m interested in her. Let myself do things that bring me enjoyment.
If at the end of the two weeks, I’m still as happy as I am right now, I might have some big choices to make. If not, I just head back to New York and pick up where I left off.
I’ve got nothing to lose.
Chapter Thirteen
Victoria
“So, you guys are like, dating.”
I roll my eyes. “We’re not dating. I don’t think.”
Sally shakes her head and gives me the same frustrated look she’s been giving me all week. “You’re just waiting for him to decide and tell you?”
“I mean, sort of, but?—”
“You get to decide, Vic. You can’t just wait around for men to tell you when you’re in a relationship. It’s not a good look for you.”
“I hear what you’re saying, but it’s more complicated than that.”
“Because of all the lies?”
