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“Breanna died of cancer when Ains was six. We still lived in Boston at that point. She went fast. By the time we knew anything was wrong, it was far too late to intervene.”
The veggies sizzle as they hit the pan. Ben stirs them with a spatula.
“Back then, I didn’t worry so much about things going wrong. I had no idea how bad it could be. Up to that point, things had been pretty rosy. Perfect upbringing, finest education, happy marriage to a lovely woman, and a healthy son. We had bright futures. All of us.”
He stirs the pan and adds the eggs, lifting it and swirling them around to cover the bottom. I don’t dare to even breathe, not wanting to risk interrupting whatever little bit of Ben I’m about to learn.
“All of a sudden she was gone, and I had to start over. It’s like you said at the café. All of my decisions had to be made by me, alone. And I now knew how much I had to lose by making the wrong ones. It was even worse because I had this kid to keep safe as well. The world was a minefield of possibilities. I was paralyzed with fear. Avery was living with me and Ains in Boston after Breanna passed, and it seemed like the three of us would hunker down there together and heal, but that’s not how it happened. Avery can’t really hunker down anywhere, and his healing was something that needed to happen far away from his father. But it was Avery’s dad who stepped in and started showing me how to make decisions. I have a lot to thank Frederick for. I’m not sure why he took me under his wing after abandoning Avery for his whole childhood, but that’s another conversation. I started at his firm. Ains and I lived at his estate for a bit before settling into our own apartment after I landed at the Manhattan office. And life went on. But I never lost sight of the fact that everything I loved was just one mistake away from being ripped from my life.”
“Your wife dying of cancer was hardly a mistake you made.”
He nods, using the spatula to slice the omelet in half and slide it onto two plates. “Rationally, of course. But we are far from rational beings.”
I close my eyes to hold back tears as the heartbreak of his statement washes over me. The years he spent blaming himself for not catching the cancer earlier. How he must have decided that it was his job to keep anything else terrible from happening.
“This was all a long time ago, Vic.”
I nod, finally opening my eyes when I hear a plate being set down in front of me. I smile at the lovely breakfast. He even tossed a little cheese on mine when I wasn’t looking. “Thank you.”
Ben sets his own plate on the counter in front of him, so he’s standing face to face with me as I sit at the bar. We eat in silence for a few minutes. The food is truly delicious. I could get used to this.
“I never did this again,” he motions between the two of us with his fork, “because I was too scared of it all repeating. Relationships just seemed too volatile. People are too fragile. I already had to be worried about Ainsley every second of the day, I didn’t think I could make space in my psyche to worry about someone else as well.”
He shakes his head, looking down at his plate for a long moment before meeting my eyes. “But I don’t worry about you. And that’s not to say I don’t care about your wellbeing. I care very much. But it’s a different kind of care. It’s less like something I need to manage and more like something I’m watching go on. With Ains, I feel like if I take my eyes off the road for one second, he’ll careen off an overpass. But with you I feel like I could be the one reclining in my seat, putting on music for the road trip of our lives. And I don’t know exactly what that means because I’ve never felt anything like it before. But for the first time since I lost my wife, I’m thinking about being in a relationship and feeling something other than dread. It’s more like excitement.”
I don’t know what to say so I wait, holding his gaze as best as I can with the tears blurring my vision. When I glance down, I realize that he’s reached over and is holding my hands. I squeeze my eyes closed and let the tears fall, unwilling to let go of him for even a second to wipe them away.
“And I made you cry, which wasn’t my intention.”
I shake my head fervently, preparing to argue, but he shakes his own, quieting me. “That’s not what I meant to say. What I meant was that I’ve been listening to your voicemails, and I read your texts. And the feeling of someone being willing to fight for me like you’re doing means a lot to me. I’m a stubborn old man with control issues who has been alone for more than ten years. I can’t tell you that I’m going to be a great partner for you at first. But I’ll learn if you’ll give me time.”
“And call you on your bullshit?”
Ben laughs. “And call me on my bullshit. Although, if I start listening to reason now, my son’s going to be pissed. He’s been trying to talk me out of my castle for years.”
“He’s a smart guy.”
Ben nods. “He is. And you know what, he brought you to me. And maybe that’s what was meant to happen all along.”
I slide off my chair and come around the counter, pressing myself right into his waiting arms. “What you’re saying is that this was meant to be?” I ask, looking up at him from where my chin rests on his chest like I’ve done so many times before.
I get a little smirk and a narrow-eyed glare in return. “What I’m saying is that we’ve been living in la-la land for the last few months and if this thing between us has a chance of transitioning into the real world, I’m going to have to start showing you how things work around here. It can’t all be scary movie scenes and role playing.”
I smile and cock my head to the side. “What else is there?”
“Well, there’s me cooking dinner for you every night.”
“Which you pretty much did already on Merit.”
“And there’s my strict fitness regimen.”
“God, you say the sexiest things.”
“And there’s my bedroom upstairs which is now our bedroom, and my shower which is now our shower.”
“Mmm…”
“Where you better be waiting for me naked in exactly five minutes.”
