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Julia felt her chest grow heavy, weighed down with the consequences of her actions, or inactions for that matter. She thought she had time, time for what she didn’t know.
She pushed her food away, and Keegan studied her expression.
“She didn’t tell you?”
“I haven’t reached out to her. I did what I always do.”
“What did you do?” It wasn’t an accusatory question, but more of a heartfelt, outreached hand.
“I ignored life! I couldn’t follow through with whatever was promised at that moment when I kissed her. I was too stupid to tell her how I felt when she was standing before me in front of that restaurant. She begged me to. She was so hurt, and I let her go. I let her go thinking that I felt nothing for her.” Julia’s face was warm with embarrassment, but she blamed it on the grape juice they were drinking–a weak impersonation of wine. “She deserves better.”
“Julia!” Keegan gasped. Julia jumped at the sudden raise in anger and sound. “Julia Jenner, you led her on, had an altercation, and then just left her like that?”
She stood up in defense. “I would have heard her voice, even if it was over the phone, and not known what to say. If I saw her face again, I would have gotten lost in her stupidly beautiful eyes and not known what to say. I can’t get a thought out around her! I can’t tell her the truth because she’s leaving.” She sighed, loud and long. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not dragging her into the mess that is me.”
“Do you hear yourself?” she asked quietly. “You can’t talk to her without falling into, and I quote, those ‘stupidly beautiful eyes’?”
“Yes,” Julia answered hesitantly, eyes narrowed, wondering what trap she was about to plunge into.
“I’m going to say it again in other words.” She paraphrased, “you can’t tell her how you really feel because you don’t want to drag her into the mess that you think is yourself–which is crap by the way–but you can’t stop thinking about her?”
Julia didn’t respond that time. That’s not what she meant. That wasn’t the situation at all. Right? Erin just had this air about her–anyone would get sucked in. Right? She just wanted to take the easy way out. It had nothing to do with having feelings for her or anything else. Right?
Shit.
“You should tell her,” sighed Keegan. “It isn’t fair how you’ve handled things.”
“I know.” Julia slumped to the floor, burying her face in her hands. “I know. I feel like I can’t do anything right these days!”
Keegan scooched over and laid her head on Julia’s shoulders.
“You’ve been dealing with a lot for a long time,” she said sympathetically, “and I think you’re afraid to go after what might actually make you happy.”
“I’m not falling for her,” Julia said softly.
“I never said you were–”
“I’ve fallen for her,” Julia corrected.
Keegan lifted her head just slighting, staring at her–blank expression and wide eyes–as if the words would materialize before her.
“I’ve fallen for her harder than I ever thought possible.”
Keegan didn’t know what to say. Julia looked like she was about to panic, about to take it all back and blame it on the shitty wine.
“Say something!” she begged.
Keegan wrapped her arms around her, squeezing her face into her chest.
“I’m so, so proud of you,” she said smiling into her hair. When she let go, she added, “when are you going to tell her?”
“I can’t tell her.” Julia shook her head. “Weren’t you listening to that grape juice fueled, emotional outburst? She’s leaving. She has a life to get back to.”
“What if she doesn’t want what she already has?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what if she isn’t as content as you think? What if she wants something different too? Is it any more fair that you’re not giving her the choice than it was for Marin to make her choice without you?” Keegan tiptoed across the last question, well aware it was a risky move. Julia didn’t even notice. She was too lost in that unimaginable imagination.
