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“I really don’t want to talk right now.” Her voice was cold, as sturdy as stone, and she refused to look Julia in the face.
“Erin, please slow down,” she begged, her shallow breath clouding in front of her.
Erin stopped abruptly, almost forcing Julia to trip over her own feet. She wrapped her arms around her waist, the air too cold for bare skin.
“What do you want, Julia?”
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
The words left Julia’s lips, but she regretted them immediately. Erin just looked at her–a broken expression stamped on her face–covered in silence as her eyes glossed over.
“I don’t know what to say to you,” she admitted, her voice shattering to a million pieces as she spoke the last syllable.
“What–”
“You kissed me,” she blurted, tears welling in her eyes. “After everything. After asking you to give us a shot. After spending all that time with you. After you told me no over, and over, and over, and over again! After I tried so hard not to fall for you. You kissed me!”
Julia couldn’t find words. In her pocket was a dictionary, but it was blank. In her mind, a tornado of apologies swirled, but nothing came out of her opened mouth. The heat from her chest rose to her ears, and she swore she could feel her blood pump in every tunnel that lined her body.
So many thoughts flooded her mind–Erin’s touch, Veronica’s disappointment, keeping everything from her best friend, work, exhaustion, Marin, that mother-fucking lump on her breast–but it was like focusing on one speck of glitter thrown into the breeze.
Wait. Did she say fall for me?
“I did,” Julia gulped. “I kissed you.”
And she wanted to say she would do it over and over again if Erin let her, if she wanted. Julia wanted to ask her if she fell for her like she had, if she smacked the pavement as hard as she did when she first looked into her eyes.
Please, want this too.
“So why,” her voice croaked, strained beneath the weight she was carrying, “why are you here with her when you keep telling me no?” Julia was mute. “Oh,” Erin sighed. “I guess I just misunderstood. You just don’t want that with me. You can be with someone after Marin. Just not me.”
She began to walk away, her head shaking vigorously in disbelief. Julia couldn’t let her go, not with that notion in her head. She rushed after her, desperation shaking her legs.
“Stop,” she begged. “Please, don’t walk away! Lauren is just the double date Keegan asked me to go on! The one we talked about that time you came over for Sunday football! She’s no one! You have it all wron–”
“You know what?” Erin spun around on her foot, coming dangerously close to Julia’s face. “You coming out tonight to help a friend is one thing. You choosing this date over going out with me tonight is one thing. The flirting? The touching? The looks between you two? That is another thing entirely.” She paused and Julia’s heart broke at the sight of tears silently streaming down her cheeks. “I can’t watch you with someone else. I can barely get through a day sitting next to you in the same room, knowing you don’t feel the same way about me. I can’t sit here and hear your laugh knowing it’s another woman causing it.”
As her voice trailed off and disappeared beneath layers of ruins, she turned back around and walked away. Julia let her go–more for the reason that she was mounted into place on the sidewalk, and less due to conscious decision.
Everything Erin just said was floating before her, jumbled words that have meaning but don’t make sense. She was right. Julia played the part too well, enjoyed it too much. She let herself get carried away, leading on Lauren, when really all she wanted was an escape from her life for the time being. She pushed her too far this time.
Julia stood there, her skin in pins and needles, until the sound of Erin’s heels faded into the darkness. She was quicksand–the sinking feeling in her bones so powerful that she was sure she was falling through the ground into a never-ending abyss.
Falling. Falling. Falling. Oh, how far she’s fallen.
She walked back into Rosana’s with pink arms and wind-bitten cheeks. The chatter at the table quieted as she approached. They looked up with expectation and confusion, no one privy to the theatrical she starred in.
“I’m not feeling well.” She cleared her throat. “I think I’m going to turn in early. Lauren, it was so nice meeting you. Thank you for a lovely night.” Lauren opened her mouth, but Keegan spoke first.
“I’ll walk you out.” Keegan stood abruptly, flashing a look she couldn’t discern towards Ben. She matched her pace as they reached the outside of the building. “What’s going on?”
“Erin was here,” she confessed, remembering she promised to be more open with her. She rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands, wishing away the crawling feeling that still spread across her body.
“Oh.”
“And she saw me with Lauren.”
“Why does that matter?” she asked, dark eyes narrowing as she stared. When Julia didn’t answer right away, her eyes went wide. “Julia,” she warned.
