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As the last group left the room, it was just Erin and her. She began her way back to Julia, walking quickly but not avoiding eye contact–an open letter to express that she saw her, saw what was underneath.
“Are you ready to go?” Erin asked, one hand placed gently on her lower back. It was such a simple touch, but it wrapped her in such a wave of relief.
“Absolutely,” Julia responded, her voice serene and cool.
She picked her bag off the floor where she rested it moments ago. Erin touched base with each of their students, making sure no one was missing a backpack or phone. They began to disperse–the last of the pack, a final calm moment to say goodbye.
Just as Julia placed her hand on the door, holding it open as Erin and a student walked past, she heard that voice again. Marin stood in the doorway of the theater. Her suit jacket hung from her left hand, dragging on the ground as she slowly approached. Her eyes were puffy and pink.
“Jules,” she begged, almost as if asking her to stay, almost as if her heart wasn’t made of the same ice that outlined her eyes.
Julia shouldn’t have, but she looked back at her. She caught those aqua pools contrasting the stark gold around them. Oh, how easy it would be to fall into her again.
She waited for the day to come. Not the play, not being in the city again, but the moment when Marin would stand before her. She held onto those damn divorce papers for so long, hopelessly thinking it would bring her back, even if only to fight for that signature.
She wanted so badly for so long just to hear her say her name like that again. She imagined what she’d say. She thought about all the ways she’d convince her that she was enough–convince her that she would change, that she could change.
She closed her eyes and pictured how she’d wrap her arms around her and then finally, finally, Marin would realize how big of a mistake she made. Finally, Marin would realize that this, this is a once in a lifetime love.
Now that she stood before her, even in that unprecedented situation, she didn’t want any of it. That hope she clung to like a last dying breath–the hope that held her up while at the same time slowly disintegrating pieces of her into dust–was gone. She was weighed down by regret. Her bones felt hollow, but at the same time made of osmium–the intense weight tearing apart her joints as she hesitated every strained choice.
A voice echoed from the walkway behind Marin. The woman who sat beside her, who shared stolen laughs and smiles with her, approached her from behind.
“Mar,” she called with a smile, “there you are.”
Marin didn’t turn around. Her eyes were locked on Julia as if she forgot she truly existed until seeing her in the flesh. Isn’t it funny how only after you experience the absence of something–a car without air conditioning in a New York summer, the ruckus of children after they leave for college–that you realize the importance of it? Isn’t it funny how it always takes us until the moment it’s too late until it sinks in?
Julia’s breath quickened as a tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. Of course she had someone else already. She watched as that tear fell before her and shattered like broken glass on the tile below. She looked up at Erin who stood at the other door ten feet away.
She had to make a choice.
One, two…
It would just take one word.
Three, four…
She could try to get it all back. Everything could be okay again. She could have everything again.
Five.
But it wouldn’t be the same, and there was Erin.
She lifted her hand from the latch on the handle and allowed the door to close behind her. The latch clicked into place and instead of shutting anything else out, she felt like a world of pain was exploding within her pores. Erin opened the other door that she was holding and they both braved the cold winter air.
Have you ever wanted something so badly, so incredibly much that you’d lay everything on the line for it? It sits in the back of your mind at every moment. It haunts your dreams, telling you it could never come true. It’s always there, always just out of reach.
But then? Then something magical happens and you get that one thing you dreamed so long for, but everything doesn’t fall into place like the pieces of a puzzle. It turns out nothing fits together at all. Instead, you’re standing there like a fool because the dream you held in your head could never match the reality given. Because it was never really what you wanted in the first place.
“Let’s go!” Julia smiled at her group, just noticing Jonathan held his students behind too.
He wrapped his jacket tighter around himself, shivering in the relentless wind, as he turned and started walking. He took the lead and students filed in line just as they had while walking the halls in kindergarten.
Julia quickened her pace, which landed her in the middle of the bustle. She didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to be asked if she was okay. She didn’t want Erin’s eyes to go small with worry and curiosity for the thoughts that flooded her mind. She wouldn’t know what to tell her when they did.
The weather slowed, but just a bit–a swirl of flurries floating like dust above their heads. The wind gently tossed ripples of snow across the road as taxis sped by. The iciness of the air pinched their skin. The sun threatened to peek through a gloomy blue sky, small glistening snowflakes escaping between clouds.
Two students in front of Julia laughed while flipping through selfies taken while the phantom sang on stage. Behind her, she overheard two more ratings of how ‘hot’ the main actress was in that sheer gown.
