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“Never.” Julia rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. “I thought she would. I thought she would call or at least show up for her things,” she paused, looking at busy walkers rush past on the sidewalk, completely oblivious to anyone other than the time on their watches, “but she didn’t.”
“That sounds like a really shitty thing to do to someone.”
She held out her hand and Julia took it, for the first time not caring who saw. She wished she could melt into every inch of skin that covered Erin’s body, soaking up every syllable that floated from her lips.
“It was,” she said with a nod, just realizing that while her chest still heaved, her breath was close to normal.
“She never deserved you,” Erin said softly. She didn’t allow Julia the time to overthink the comment. “So, what now?” Erin looked around at the snow-covered trees and nosey passersby. “Do we stand out here for the rest of the show?” Julia laughed, but Erin’s jaw was set, her eyes steady. “Because I will. If you can’t go back in there, we will sit on that bench right over there and freeze our asses off until the final curtain.”
Julia looked over at the slick bench twenty paces away. It was glossed over from neglect, icicles forming like daggers beneath. Dirt covered snow traced the sidewalk and covered the crevices of each building along the narrow street. Gum wrappers and paper coffee cups littered the corners.
“No,” Julia laughed. Oh, she needed that laugh.
“I’m serious.” Erin turned towards her, warm hands cupped around her cheeks. “If you can’t go back in there, we will stay right here. I will stay with you right here.”
“I know you would.” Julia placed her hand on top of Erin’s and then let it go with a sigh. “I’ll be okay. I can do this.”
She pushed herself off the side of the building. She refused to admit she was lightheaded from the whole ordeal–her head spinning as red stars clouded her perception of anything solid before her. Instead of waiting like she should have, she gripped the wall and turned the corner to walk back in like the hard-headed woman she was.
Erin strategically placed a hand hovering just an inch behind her back, there in case she needed her. They walked back in as the crowd around Marin dwindled. Students slowly returned to their seats with excitement of the next act. Faculty began to usher the stragglers back towards the theater as the lights dimmed with warning.
“Dr. Jenner!” a 12th grader yelled from the base of the stairs next to Marin, his hands raised high in the air. “You didn’t tell us Mrs. Jenner was coming!”
“Oh,” Julia said, smiling with all the composure she could muster in those few seconds, tears stinging the back of her eyelids, “it was a surprise, Dennis!”
“This is great!” He beamed, too aware that the last time he saw her was at his sophomore winter formal, too aware of her absence.
These were students they watched grow up in elementary and middle school, now just months away from taking on the world themselves. These were the students they held crying as toddlers and then took pictures with at prom.
“Dennis, why don’t you come with me to sit down?” Erin asked him. “I don’t remember where my row is.”
“Absolutely, Ms. Calanis,” he said as they made their way back to the theater. “I think I’m a couple seats behind you!” Erin looked back just briefly to catch Julia’s eyes, just to make sure she was okay.
As the last of the students piled into the aisles leading to their seats, an employee closed the large golden doors to the entryway. There was no one left–no noise, no distractions from the inevitable interaction.
There she was, just as beautiful as the day she left. Julia placed a hand over her chest, silently reminding herself to breathe so she wouldn’t lose the thumping completely.
She’d thought about the day this would happen. She drew it out in her mind, replayed every possible thing she would say until the very seconds were burned into her memory, but it was nothing like what she imagined.
A million options crashed into her head, kaleidoscoping through her all at once. She could shout at her, curse her for leaving without looking back. She could cry and then maybe, just maybe, Marin would wrap her long arms around her and she’d fall back into that spicy embrace. She could walk right up to her, looking up into those sparkling cobalt eyes and kiss her–really kiss her with a desperate longing–and hope she could feel all that she let go.
Or she could do nothing. She could go back to her seat and say nothing, pretend it never happened at all. That would be the right thing to do, right, to leave Marin standing there while she walked away. Wouldn’t that be an appropriate punishment? Wouldn’t that exhibit just a tidbit of justice for what she did to her?
Marin spoke first, slowly stepping toward Julia as she lowered her voice. “How are you?”
She reached out and touched Julia’s arm–long, thin fingers tickling the goosebumps plaguing her flesh. Julia looked down at it. Her touch was an invasive species, so foreign, as if it never belonged there in the first place.
“How am I?” she repeated the words quietly as she brought her gaze to eye level. “How am I? That’s what you have to ask me?”
Marin pulled her hand back, her pale forehead wrinkling as her eyebrows rose in surprise.
“Yes,” she said, nodding sincerely. “I want to know how you are doing, if you’re okay.”
Julia didn’t speak for a moment. She didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to think with Marin’s soft gaze on her. She was angry. No. She was sad. No. Actually, she didn’t feel a thing. She was covered in a veil of Novocaine that she wished would drown her cells into a blissfully unknown state.
“You,” Julia paused, her voice barely an audible murmur, trying so hard to be louder than the pulsing heartbeat engulfing her body, “you don’t get to ask me that anymore.”
Then Julia did what she never thought she’d have the courage to do. She walked away, her chest bright red and throbbing beneath her shirt. She nodded kindly at the young man holding the door to the theater open for her, his eyes shooting down to the ground to pretend he didn’t witness any of that intense interaction.
