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Erin’s face flushed before she quickly attempted to redirect the discussion. “Oh, of course. I apologize for eavesdropping. Whenever I’m at a new school, I like to attend the first meeting to observe the staff’s reactions. It helps me anticipate any potential pushback during the process.”
“That’s completely understandable.”
“I just didn’t expect it to be so early.”
Erin made every attempt to lighten up the situation, but Julia couldn’t do it. She couldn’t stand there and banter like she hadn’t been thinking about tearing her clothes off just last night.
“I know we have a meeting planned for this morning,” Julia spoke cautiously, “but I just had an appointment come up.”
Erin’s expression shifted, a hint of disappointment crossing her features. “Oh.”
“If it is okay with you,” Julia said slowly, calculating all possible reactions, “can we push it to tomorrow morning instead? You could use the time to get a layout of the school and meet some of the other staff.”
“Of course,” Erin responded quickly. Too quickly. “I’ll touch base with your secretary about your availability.”
And just like that, she was gone. The sound of her heels tapped down the hallway and Julia had to tell herself to look away. How did she look so perfect after having the same amount of sleep when she felt and looked like death rolled over on a humid June day?
She closed the door of the meeting room, shutting out the tapping of heels, as she stripped off the suit jacket that steamed her up from the inside out. Panic gripped her, running her hands through her hair until not a curl was left.
It wasn’t that she regretted that kiss; it made her feel more alive in that short hour than she did in years. It was about her reputation. She was a model to not only her students, but her faculty too. What message would she send if someone found out she was at a bar, on a weekday, with another woman, when almost everyone still thought she was married to Marin?
That’s when the root of it hit her: she was still legally married to Marin. That envelope with the divorce papers still sat at her bedside; untouched, unsigned. What if she had gone home with Erin? What if she let her feelings take over and explode from her pores like a tsunami? She would’ve been a married woman sleeping with a stranger, and that settled worse in her stomach than anything else.
She looked up to the ceiling where fluorescent bulbs shone on her face, and she found herself wishing there was a twirling fan to take her mind away.
“This isn’t that bad,” she muttered, pressing her hands against the podium. “Marin has been gone for 366 days,” not that she was counting, “and at this point, it’s practically a legal separation!”
She plopped back down in the chair, slouching like one of her 9th graders in study hall. The word “separation” tasted like dry soap bubbles. She never spoke those words aloud before. And now, here she was talking to herself. Now she’s one of those people.
She knew logistically it could be considered a separation, but it wasn’t to her. Every time she looked down at her left hand and saw the tan line where her ring used to lay–a small white line screaming at her between years of sun-soaked skin–she knew she was still married. She felt that she would always be Marin’s–a permanent imprint of her fingertips on every inch of her skin, worn perfectly to fit her body.
When she made it back to her office, her jacket slung across her arm, Keegan looked at her with concern, but she just brushed it off with a smile and a wave. She realized once she closed the door and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, how ridiculous she actually looked.
Her long blond hair was unflatteringly pulled behind her ears, her suit already wrinkling, and at some point, she rubbed off the foundation that hid her tired eyes. She gathered her long strands and hastily twisted them into a messy bun, securing it with a few stray bobby pins. Glancing at the mirror, she reapplied her concealer, trying to mask obvious signs of exhaustion.
She was determined to make it through this godforsaken day, even if it killed her. Well, with her track record so far, it might.
She kept her jacket off, slightly mortified that she walked through the halls with nothing covering her chest or shoulder. The amount of damage control necessary after today would be insurmountable. She let out a sigh as she settled into her chair, feeling a wave of frustration wash over her.
“Pull yourself together,” she groaned, wondering when she became the crazy lady who talked to herself, when she got to the point where there was no one to listen to her misguided excuses but the echo in her head.
To her left, piles of evaluations sat waiting for her attention, while her right was filled with a calendar brimming with tasks and meetings. In front of her was her opened computer, the bright number fourteen identifying her unread emails in the short one hour since she checked them last.
Right when she began mentally prioritizing what to tackle first, her door opened with a knock. Keegan entered, closing the door behind her as she stepped inside, her flowing purple dress rustling with the movement.
“You don’t have to knock if you’re going to open the door anyway.” Julia smirked, picking up some random papers off her desk in a desperate attempt to look busy.
Concern etched Keegan’s face as she took a seat in front of Julia. “Are you okay?”
“Me?” Julia tried so desperately to laugh it off. “Of course! The usual business for mid-year. I’ll get it all together today, though. You’ll have those evaluations to process by Monday. How’s the sabbatical grant applications going?”
Keegan arched her eyebrows as she settled in. She didn’t buy it. If Erin wasn’t somewhere within that building, she would have been able to sit there and tell Keegan everything. With her there, her mind chaotically hurdled towards a game of 52 pickup and she didn’t even like cards.
“At least you look better. Oh, what nice shoulders and cleavage we’re showing today, Dr. Jenner.”
Julia looked down to see that she was, in fact, right. Quickly, she pulled at the fabric, making sure her chest was fully covered, and then reached for the jacket hanging by her side. She put it back on, shooting a frustrated glare at Keegan. What a fucking mess!
“It got hot for a moment.”
